South Park Episode 105 "AN ELEPHANT MAKES LOVE TO A PIG" by Matt Stone, Trey Parker & Dan Sterling EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING The boys patiently wait for the bus. CARTMAN Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye? STAN Nothing... I mean, I mean, nowhere. CARTMAN Your sister beat you up again, huh? STAN NO! CARTMAN (laughing) Yup, your sister kicked your ass. STAN She's just pissed off 'cause she got head gear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me. KYLE Yeah, but that sucks you get your butt kicked by a girl Stan. CARTMAN I would NEVER let a woman kick my ass! If she tried anything, I'd be like 'HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!!' STAN My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet. But I know that she's an evil bitch. CARTMAN Be a man, Stan. Just say 'HEY WOMAN! YOU, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND MAKE BABIES!' Stan rolls his eyes. STAN Hey Kyle, what's that elephant doing? ZOOM OUT to reveal that Kyle has a full-grown African Elephant on a leash. KYLE You mean this one? STAN Yeah. KYLE He's my new pet elephant. CARTMAN Whoa, dude, where'd you get a pet elephant? KYLE I got it mail order from Africa. The ad said it would take 4 to 6 weeks, but it only took three. STAN Wow, that's cool! KYLE No it's not cool! My mom won't let me keep him in the house. She says he's too big. And that its poop is bigger than our couch. CARTMAN That's why MY mom got ME a pot bellied pig. 'Cause it's poop is small. Cartman gestures with his hands. KENNY Mmmh mph mhhph mmmam nmmm. KYLE Well yeah, but pigs aren't smart like elephants. The bus pulls up to pick up the kids. The door flies open and Mrs. Crabtree spots Kyle's Elephant. MS. CRABTREE HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IS THAT THING?! Kyle and Stan look at each other. KYLE (Whispering) Uh, oh this is the new retarded kid. The elephant blinks. MS. CRABTREE Oh, I'm sorry, little girl... (Pause) But you still can't get on. You have to take the special Ed bus. WHIP PAN to the special Ed. bus. A little bus filled with handicapped children (*NOTE -- This is REALLY funny.) KYLE Boy, it looks like you're not welcome anywhere elephant. See ya. The boys get on the bus, leaving the elephant behind. CARTMAN If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say 'HEY! YOU GO DO MY LAUNDRY And... MS. CRABTREE SIT DOWN, KID!! CARTMAN Yes, ma'am. INT. SCHOOL - DAY The boys are in class. MR. GARRISON And now, children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about Genetic Engineering. MR. HAT That's right, Mr. Garrison, Genetic Engineering is an exciting new science. You can splice the DNA from some animals and make them better. Kyle seems incredibly intrigued. KYLE Mr. Garrison? MR. GARRISON Yes, Kyle. KYLE With genetic engineering, can you make a elephant smaller? MR. GARRISON Well uh... Yes I suppose you could. You could splice elephant genes with a dog or cat or pot bellied pig genes. KYLE That's it! I'm going to combine my elephant with a pot-bellied pig and make... POT BELLIED ELEPHANTS! The class gasps. KYLE They'd be smart like elephants but small like pigs! STAN That'd be cool! BEBE I wanna pot-bellied elephant! PIP Yes, I'll pay $50 for one. Terrance, ungroomed and nerdy, pipes up. TERRANCE That's stupid! KYLE Shut up Terrance, we can genetical engineer anything we want. TERRANCE Oh yea! I bet I can genetically clone a WHOLE HUMAN BEING before you crossbreed an elephant and a pig. KYLE I bet you can't! TERRANCE Watch me plebeian! MR. GARRISON Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie. Isn't this exciting, two A+ students in a cloning war! MR. HAT Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering let's us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes... like German people. You know you boys might want to visit the genetic engineering ranch outside of town for some help. And you could both use this for your science fair projects next month. The bell RINGS. The kids all pile out the door. KYLE Genetic engineering ranch?! Sweet! STAN Wait, wait, we still need a pig. KYLE We can use Cartman's pig. Cartman's eyes bulge. CARTMAN Hey!! You leave Fluffy out of this! KYLE We're not gonna hurt her. We just need some of her blood. CARTMAN You're not using any of Fluffy's blood! Else I'll kick you in the nuts. Kyle and Kenny leave. CARTMAN Kyle... Kyle! No! Cartman storms off. Stan starts to follow him but Mr. Garrison stops him. MR. GARRISON Uh, uh Stanley, Can I talk to you for a minute? STAN Okay... MR. GARRISON I couldn't help but notice that black eye you have. Are there problems at home? STAN (hanging his head) Yes. MR. GARRISON Oh, dear... Here, Stanly, sit down, have some cocoa, and tell your friend Mr. Hat all about it. Garrison pours some hot cocoa and hands it to Stan gently. MR. HAT I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me ANYTHING. Now, who hits you? Is it your father or your mother? STAN Oh, neither, it's my sister. Mr. Garrison pulls Mr. Hat away. MR. GARRISON Your sister? Oh, for Pete's sake, don't be such a little wuss! Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy little foo foo problems... and give me back my cocoa! INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Stan opens the door slowly. He peeks his head in. After he sees the coast is clear, he steps in and closes the door behind him. When he turns around, his big sister, SHELLEY stands looming over him. SHELLEY Hey! STAN Hi Shelley. SHELLEY Are you looking at my head gear? STAN Head gear? What head gear? SHELLEY Are you looking at my head gear? STAN Oh, gosh. I didn't really notice. Shelly moves towards Stan. SHELLEY You little liar! STAN No! I think it looks terrific! It matches your -- Shelley picks him up and starts whacking him against the wall. Stan howls! She hurls him toward the basement stairs and we hear SCREAMS and a THUD-THUD-THUD CRASH. A bruised, mangled Stan comes crawling up the stairs on his hands and knees. Shelly picks him up again and throws him out the front window. The glass CRASHES and he lands out on the front lawn where Kyle, Kenny and Cartman stand waiting. KYLE Ready to go Stan? Stan looks up from the broken glass. STAN Go where? KYLE To the genetical engineering ranch! We got Cartman's pig so we can splice its genes with my elephant. CARTMAN NOBODY'S SPLICING NOTHING FROM FLUFFY!! Kyle helps Stan up. SHELLEY I swear I'm going to kill you Stan! KYLE Why is your sister so mean to you, dude? CARTMAN Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I'd be all like, 'HEY, LISTEN MISSY!!! WHY DON'T YOU GO KNIT ME A SWEATER BEFORE I SLAP YOU IN THE FACE!!!!' SHELLEY (O.S.) Who said that?! The kids all look toward the house, scared. Cartman points at Kenny. Kenny's eyes pop. EXT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT The boys stand outside an ominous building, Kyle with his elephant and Cartman with his pig. The sign out front reads "SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH." Below, in smaller letters, it reads "Splicin' n' Dicin' fresh DNA since 1965." They stare at the building. Thunder and lightning crash. KYLE This must be it. CARTMAN Well, looks like nobody's home. Guess we should come back some other time. KYLE No Cartman! We're going in there and splicing Fluffy and my elephant together. Fluffy whines a little. CARTMAN It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you. KYLE It's just a stupid pig. STAN Yeah, quit being such a baby. CARTMAN Baby? Well, at least I don't get my ass kicked by a girl! Kenny laughs. STAN Least I'm not a little pig-#$%@er! CARTMAN AY!! I'm taking my pig and screw you guys, I'm going home. This whole idea is stupid anyway! KYLE What the hell would you know, you fat sweaty mongoloid!? You never get higher than a D! CARTMAN AY!! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?! KYLE There's no Jews in San Francisco you retard!!! -- CARTMAN I'll kick you in the nuts!! The door suddenly FLIES open and Mr. Mephesto stands there. MR. MEPHESTO Can I help you? The boys reel back in fear from Mephesto's presence. KYLE Uh... Yeah... We want to cross breed an elephant with a pig. MR. MEPHESTO Brilliant idea! Huge, elephant-sized pigs! KYLE No no no, we want to make little potbellied elephants that people can keep in their houses as pets! MR. MEPHESTO Oh, that's an even better idea! Come on in! INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT The boys follow Mephesto through the creepy lab. MR. MEPHESTO I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering... CARTMAN It's okay fluffy... Nobody's going to hurt you... MR. MEPHESTO It's thanks to the wonder of genetic engineering that soon there will be an end to hunger, disease, pollution, even war. I've created things that will change the world for the better -- (pointing) -- For instance, here is a monkey with four asses. In a cage is a medium sized monkey with four asses that looks pissed off. KYLE (To Stan) How does that make the world better? Stan shrugs. Mephesto shows them more pissed-off animals. MR. MEPHESTO And here, of course, is my four-assed ostrich, and my four-assed mongoose. The Boys look increasingly confused. STAN Do you have anything besides just animals with four asses? MR. MEPHESTO Oh, well, I suppose so... Ah yes, over here -- Mephesto points to some odd-looking animals. MR. MEPHESTO Here I have rats spliced with ducks... And gorillas spliced with mosquitos. And here I have rabbits spliced with fish to make little bunny fish!! In a tank, four fish with bunny ears swim around. Cartman looks at them closely and notices that the bunny ears have little strings attached to them. CARTMAN Hey... These bunny ears are tied on with little strings! MR. MEPHESTO And over here is swiss cheese spliced with chalk... And a beard. The boys look at the bearded swiss cheese with chalk. KYLE Well what about our pot-bellied elephant? MR. MEPHESTO Oh... well I'm sorry children, but pig and elephant DNA just won't splice. Haven't you ever heard that song by Loverboy? KYLE Which song is that? MR. MEPHESTO "Da'n Do-A, Pig and Elephant D-N-A Just Won't Splice?". The kids look at each other. MR. MEPHESTO However maybe I could help you add a few asses to that swine of yours. CARTMAN You can keep your hands off of Fluffy's ass! Suddenly, Mr. Mephesto grabs a syringe and SHOVES it into Stan's arm and takes a blood sample. MR. MEPHESTO You know it's amazing what we can do with a little blood sample these days. STAN -- Ow! Mephesto quickly hides the syringe behind his back. MR. MEPHESTO Hmm? What? Oh excuse me. KYLE Wait, what are you taking Stan's blood for? MR. MEPHESTO Oh, pardon me, I tripped. Could I have some hair please? Mephesto reaches for Stan's head. KYLE Watch out Stan, genetic engineers are crazy!!! CARTMAN Come on Fluffy!!! The kids scramble out the door, knocking Mephesto down. 1ST COMMERCIAL BREAK EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing shot. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY The boys are on line for food. A little English boy, dressed in knickers and a hat gets in line behind the boys. CARTMAN Oh, I sure am hungry. PIP 'Allo gentlemen. Any of you blokes know what's for lunch today? Lunchie munchies Hmmm? CARTMAN Go away, Pip, nobody likes you. STAN Yeah, what kind of name is Pip, anyway? PIP Well, my father's family name being Pirrip and my Christian name Phillip, my infant tongue -- CARTMAN God Damnit would you shut the hell up?! Nobody gives a rat's ass. STAN Yeah, go away Pip. PIP Right-o. Pip leaves. CARTMAN God, French people piss me off. TERRANCE Hey dumbasses! The Boys turn around to see Terrance and the gang. TERRANCE You morons give up on your stupid science fair project yet? KYLE No, we're already half-way done! TERRANCE Half-way? (laughing) Then all you've got is a stupid pig! NERDS Yeah a gay pig too! Stupid gay pig. KYLE It's more than you've got. TERRANCE Wrong! We've already got our human clone well underway! Fosse unveils... a human foot! He places it on the floor and it starts walking around. KYLE Oh my God! They cloned a foot! CARTMAN Hey, I'll kick your ass. TERRANCE By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole human being. Good luck with your stupid little pig. The nerds walk away, laughing. CHEF Hello there, children. STAN Hey, Chef. CHEF How're you doing? KYLE & STAN Bad. CHEF Why bad? KYLE We need to genetically engineer a pig and an elephant, but their genes won't splice. CHEF Aw, of course they wont splice children. Haven't you ever heard that song by Loverboy. "Da'n Do-A, Pig and Elephant D-N-A Just Won't Splice. The boys look confused. CHEF A pig-elephant? Say, now that's a not a bad idea. KYLE I told you guys. CHEF Imagine, a pint-sized elephant that you could keep in the house... Children, we could make a fortune with this! KYLE You hear that, dudes? We'll be rich! CHEF But forget all that genetic engineerwhoosa-fudge... If you want to combine a pig and an elephant, just get them to make sweet love. CARTMAN What?! STAN I don't think an elephant would make love to a pig. CARTMAN (insulted) I don't think my pig would wanna make love to that stupid elephant!! CHEF Sure they would... But you're gonna have to get 'em in the mood. STAN Well how do we do that? CHEF Do what I do... get 'em good and drunk. EXT. BUS STOP - DAY The boys get off the bus. STAN Hey, uh you guys wanna come over to my house? KYLE We've got work to do Stan. I think it takes a while for an elephant to get drunk. STAN Really? You guys don't want to come over just for a little bit? CARTMAN Why, your sister gonna kick your ass again? STAN Shut up Cartman! KENNY Mprh mmprh nmph! KYLE Yeah Stan, she's just a girl. CARTMAN Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass I'd be like 'HEY, WHY DON'T YOU STOP DRESSING ME UP LIKE A MAILMAN AND MAKING ME DANCE FOR YOU WHILE YOU GO AND SMOKE CRACK IN YOUR BEDROOM AND HAVE SEX WITH SOME GUY I DON'T EVEN KNOW ON MY DADS BED!" Kyle turns around to face Stan. STAN Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? CARTMAN I'm just saying you're just a little wuss. That's all. KYLE Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's going to kick your ass just tell her 'Shelley, you're my sister and I love you.' KENNY Mph mph mph. STAN Sick dude! She's my sister! KYLE Try it. We'll see you in a while, we've got to go get Cartman's pig. CARTMAN No you don't gotta get Cartman's pig. You leave Fluffy out of this! KYLE Come on Kenny! Kyle walks off with Kenny. CARTMAN Kyle NO!! Seriously!! NO ELEPHANT IS GOING TO MAKE LOVE TO MY FLUFFY. Kyle I would kick you in the nuts. Cartman storms off leaving Stan alone. STAN Crap. INT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY Stan timidly enters the living room. She has her head gear on, and now, in addition, an extremely unsightly back brace. SHELLEY Are you staring at my neck brace? STAN No. I mean yes, I mean, what neck brace? Shelley wraps her hands around Stan's throat, ready to pummel, when Stan recalls Kyle's advice. STAN Shelley, before you beat my face into a bloody pulp again, I just want you to know that -- that you're my sister, and -- I love you. Shelley's face is taken over by a quizzical look. Stan looks hopeful, believing he might just have reached her. Suddenly Shelley's eyebrows turn sharply downward. THWACK! Shelley bitch-slaps Stan clear across the room, then starts beating him furiously. STAN OW! Someday, Shelley, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me. SHELLEY You'll never be bigger than me, Stan. NEVER! INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT Mr. Mephesto looks into a giant INCUBATOR. MR. MEPHESTO Beautiful! It's absolutely beautiful!! PULL BACK TO REVEAL a strange larva growing. Through the larva casing, we can make out a large, embryonic form, clad in a familiar blue hat with a red pompom. MR. MEPHESTO My son, I think we've finally done it! PAN across the room to reveal... Terrance, Bill and Fosse! TERRANCE Yes we have, dad! My very own HUMAN CLONE!!! BILL & FOSSE Hope he's not a gay clone... Ha Ha. yeah! That was so stupid, stupid. The boys high-five. EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT The boys and Fluffy are in the same clearing that the UFOs were in, in ep. 102. The boys are feeding malt liquor to the elephant from a keg they towed in on a red wagon. KYLE Come on, Elephant! Keep drinking! The elephant tiredly slurps down the beer. It belches and stumbles a little. STAN Damn, I wonder how drunk he needs to be to make sweet love to the pig? The elephant looks at Fluffy. From the elephant's POV: A blurred image of an ugly pig. The elephant cringes and quickly starts drinking more beer. KYLE Dammit! This is never gonna work!! Chef happens along. CHEF Hello children. I thought I'd check and see how our little entrepreneurial venture is going. KYLE Rotten! They're both really drunk, but they won't have sex. CHEF Oh, children. You can't just stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant and expect them to do the mattress mambo. You need to set the mood. Chef pulls out a huge boom-box with a microphone attached. He presses play, and very sexy, seductive music kicks in. Landau and Fluffy prick up their ears. CHEF Let me show you boys what I'm talking about. (singing) Tonight is right for love, you know. I wanna touch you where the lights don't go -- Tonight is right for love, love gravy. Expressing love so sweet, I wanna keep you burning like a dog in heat. Tonight is right for love, love gravy. Ladies and gentlemen Mr. Elton John... ELTON JOHN Ooh tonight, all is right, ooh tonight is right for love, love gravy. CHEF Thank you Elton... Tonight is right for love, love gravy. MONTAGE: SOUTH PARK HUMPING SEQUENCE EXT. SOUTH PARK - CONTINUOUS As we hear Chef's music, we see through a window of a house, a male and female silhouette gettin' busy. KYLE Hey, look! It's working! Landau drunkenly gets up on top of Fluffy. CHEF Now children, gather 'round and watch the wonders of life, the beauty of mother nature. The boys all gather around Chef. From the expressions on their faces, and the horrible NOISES that emerge, it is apparent that Landau and Fluffy have started screwing. STAN Oh, sick! CARTMAN (crying) Fluffy!!! CHEF Hmmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt. COMMERCIAL BREAK #2 INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH Mr. Mephesto looks in the incubator. The larva is hatching! MR. MEPHESTO Ooh! How luscious! Our creature has come to fruition, boys! The creature rips through the casing, revealing itself to be A GIANT, STRANGE, STAN! TERRANCE Dad, you're the best! Mephesto notices that the Big Stan only has one ass. MR. MEPHESTO Oh my God! He only has one ass! He's of no use to me, I'll have to burn the room! Big Stan frowns when he hears this. He starts pounding on the incubator wall. He kicks the incubator door open! MR. MEPHESTO Oh no, this entire experiment is turning out very bad. BIG STAN Me Bad? Big Stan grabs one of the four-assed animals and hurls it against a wall! MR. MEPHESTO Egads!! He's out of control! We'll have to destroy him. TERRANCE But he's our science fair project! BIG STAN Bubba chewy chomp!!! MR. MEPHESTO He's too dangerous, son! TERRANCE (stomping his feet) But Dad! I wanna a HUMAN CLONE!! Terrance opens the door and lets Stan free. MR. MEPHESTO Son! No!!! Big Stan immediately crashes through a window. Everybody watches the Giant Stan run down toward South Park. MR. MEPHESTO Oh, son! You've made a horrible mistake! You've put all the people of South Park in jeopardy! TERRANCE They're all stupid anyway!! Come on guys, let's go!! NERDS Yeah... they're all gay. The boys take off. EXT. BARN - MORNING The boys and Chef watch eagerly, waiting for Landau and Fluffy to wake up. CARTMAN Aren't they ever gonna wake up? CHEF Oh, they will. But it's gonna be one ugly sight! STAN I thought you said the wonder of mother nature was a beautiful thing. KYLE Yeah. When does mother nature go from "beautiful" to "ugly"? CHEF Usually about 9:30 in the morning, children. Landau groggily opens his eyes and yawns. CHEF Uh oh! Here we go! Landau seems to be okay, until he rolls over and sees the pig that he slept with last night. He SCREAMS wildly! CHEF (very sympathetic) Yeah, there's nothing worse than getting all drunk and waking up the next morning next to a pig, or a big fat elephant. Now Fluffy wakes up. When she sees that she is in bed with an elephant, she slaps her forehead with her little hoof and sighs. KYLE Hey, how do we know if she's pregnant? CHEF Well, boys, we might not know that for a couple of days. KYLE A couple of days? But Terrance is going to have his human clone by tomorrow! CARTMAN Well good job Einstein! Why don't we just build a rocket in the mean time?! Kyle WHACKS Cartman. Mr. Mephesto appears suddenly. MR. MEPHESTO Oh thank Bhudda, I've found you boys. You must tell me, have you seen anything odd lately? STAN Uh, we saw an elephant have sex with a pig. MR. MEPHESTO No, no I said "odd." CHEF Hey, you're that crazy cracker from up on the hill. MR. MEPHESTO Sir! If making mutant animals spliced with humans is crazy, then... uh... never mind. Chef takes this in for a moment, then MR. MEPHESTO I'm afraid there's been a bit of an incident at the ranch. You see, I've created a large, mutant clone of that little boy there, and he's broken free. The kids eyes open wide! KENNY Mph mph mmph. STAN A big mutant version of me?! KYLE Is he bigger than a regular clone?! MR. MEPHESTO He's terribly dangerous. His brain is identical to yours. I need you to help me find him! Stan has a huge smile on his face. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY Big mutant Stan is wreaking havoc in downtown South Park. He's destroying buildings. People run and scream in terror. Big Stan picks up a car and tosses it like a football. Mr. Garrison comes around a corner. MR. GARRISON Stan, are you wearing a different hat? BIG STAN Cha waaha waah. The Stan thing grabs Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON HEY! I know a certain young man who is itching for detention! BIG STAN Haa Cheww weee. Big Stan throws Mr. Garrison through Jimbo's Gun shop window. Meanwhile, Stan leads the other boys in the search for Big Stan. STAN How big do you think he is? I bet he weighs FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS! KYLE Come on, Stan! Don't you even know where you would go? KENNY (pointing) Mmph! Mpm nmnm! KYLE Oh my God! The boys see Big Stan carrying a few innocent people. He disappears around a corner. INT. T.V SET - DAY NEWSMAN It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually eight year old Stan Marsh of South Park. A picture of innocent little Stan is put up. NEWSMAN When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his home town, the little boy replied simply 'Me Stan, bu chomp ba chewy chomp ba chewy chomp'... Back to you in the studio. T.V. ANCHOR Thanks Tom, police are requesting that if you see this little eight year old boy, you immediately kill him and burn his body. That's all for now. NARRATOR And now back to Jesus and Pals!! JESUS Yea, the way is paved with gold for ye who seek truth and -- Suddenly, evil Stan rips through the set. BIG STAN Ba chomp Ba chewy chomp. JESUS Jesus! EVIL STAN BA CHOMP!! BA CHEWY CHOMP!! Stan tears the set apart. EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY Officer Barbrady directs traffic amidst the chaos. The kids run up to him. STAN Officer Barbrady! My evil genetic clone is destroying the town! We have to find him! OFFICER BARBRADY You boys have been watching the X files too much. There's no such thing as -- Suddenly, the evil Stan grabs Barbrady by the throat and tosses him into Starks' Pond. KYLE Come on! Let's go! Suddenly, Jimbo comes up behind Stan and grabs his shoulder. JIMBO There you are! Stanly, you tore up my entire gun shop! You better have a GOOD explanation for this Mister! STAN It wasn't me, Uncle Jimbo, it was my evil genetic clone. Mr. Garrison appears. MR. GARRISON Stanly! What the hell has gotten into you? You have got severe lunchroom duty Mister! JIMBO I'm gonna have a word with your father Stanley. MR. GARRISON Yeah, you wait 'till your father hears about this. KYLE Wait Stan! There he goes! Evil Stan starts to walks away. STAN STOP!! The Stan thing turns and looks at Stan oddly. BIG STAN Bubba chomp... KYLE He recognizes you, dude. STAN That's good, that's good dude, just calm down. Evil Stan now turns his head. He rests and sits down. BIG STAN Ba chewy chomp. KYLE What should we do with him? Stan smiles. STAN Stan... How would you like to go home and meet your sister? Evil Stan smiles. BIG STAN Haa Ba Chew INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT STAN (to Big Stan) So remember, Shelley's the one with a big wire coming out of her mouth and a metal plate on her back. When you see Shelley, KICK HER ASS. Shelley bad! Shelley very bad!! Big Stan's wide eyes turn to extreme fear. BIG STAN Me bad? He thinks Stan is calling him bad. He goes berserk! Big Stan starts wrecking the place! He knocks over book cases, the china cabinet, tables, chairs. STAN No! SHELLY Bad! YOU GOOD!! KYLE He's tearing up the house. Stop him!!! Kenny lunges at Big Stan, but Big Stan sends him flying through the air... and right into the large microwave. The door slams shut and the power goes on. Big Stan continues to rip the place to shreds. All the boys are SHOUTING and jumping on him, but he keeps throwing them off, sending them in all directions. Finally, Big Stan turns around and finds himself face to face with Shelley. SHELLEY What the hell do you want? They size each other up for a second and then Shelley hauls off and belts him with overwhelming force. Big Stan goes down. BIG STAN Ba chewy chewy chomp... Uh. Mr. Mephesto rushes in. MR. MEPHESTO Boys, boys, I'm lusciously sorry for everything! Terrance, Bill and Fosse burst in. TERRANCE Hey! They've got our clone! He belongs to us! MR. MEPHESTO No, son! This beast is a disgrace to genetic engineers everywhere. (to the Boys) Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such inconvenience. I tried to play God and I failed -- Mr. Mephesto pulls out a gun and SHOOTS a hole right through Big Stan's head! The blood splatters in Terrance's face. Big Stan falls to the floor dead. TERRANCE Daddy! NOOOOOOO!!! MR. MEPHESTO All I've ever wanted was to genetically engineer something useful. (starting to weep) But I've failed. Perhaps we shouldn't be toying with God's creations. Perhaps we should just leave nature alone to it's simple one assed schematics. Mephesto starts to sob. TERRANCE You cheating bastards! This isn't over! Just wait until tomorrow!! The nerds leave. Utterly depressed, Mephesto follows. The microwave dings and a crispy, moist Kenny falls out and onto the floor with a squish. KYLE Oh my God! They killed Kenny! (shaking his fist at the microwave) You bastard!! STAN Mom and Dad are home. My house is a disaster. You guys gotta help me!!! CARTMAN I ain't helping crap! I wanna eat some pie! STAN You can't just leave me here alone! CARTMAN Oh yeah? Watch me! KYLE Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if Cartman's pig is pregnant or not. See ya! Kyle and Cartman bolt. STAN Thanks a lot!!! SHELLEY Oh boy, you are gonna GET IT now!!! Stan looks through the window. He looks back in total shock. Shelley approaches Stan menacingly. Stan starts to sob. STAN It isn't fair! Everybody hates me! The whole town wants me killed! (Crying) Mom and Dad are gonna send me away! Shelley stops in her tracks and watches her pitiful brother cry. STAN I don't wanna be sent away! I want to stay here! WAAAGGHH!!! The door opens. In walk Stan's mild-mannered parents. STAN'S DAD STANLY!! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?! STAN'S MOM EVERYBODY IN TOWN IS UPSET WITH YOU YOUNG MAN! WHAT'S GOING ON?! ARE YOU ON DRUGS?! The parents approach Stan, but Shelley steps in their way. SHELLEY It's not Stan's fault. DAD Huh? SHELLEY It wasn't Stan, he was... he was with me the whole time. Stan looks utterly shocked. DAD Oh... Well, Stan we're... We're sorry we jumped to conclusions... MOM Oh honey, please forgive us son. The parents hug Stan and walk away. Stan is still in shock. Finally, Stan snaps out of his daze. STAN Shelley, you -- you saved my life! Shelley stares blankly at Stan. STAN And yet, you've done so much more than that. Today, you've taught me the meaning of family. Shelley continues to stare blankly at Stan. STAN Sure, families don't always get along. But when the forces of evil descend upon us, we conquer them. By sticking together. Shelley continues to stare. Stan goes to hug his sister. SOCK! Shelley decks Stan right in the mouth. She proceeds to give him the beating of a life time. Rats pull Kenny apart. FADE OUT: END OF ACT II EPILOGUE EXT. SCHOOL - DAY Establishing shot. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY MR. GARRISON Everyone, let's give Casey and his weed a big hand. Okay, Kyle we're ready to see your science project. KYLE Well, our pig hasn't given birth yet, but she should any time now. MR. GARRISON Oh well then I guess you get an F. Okay Terrance I know the class can hardly wait to see your science fair project. TERRANCE Thank you Mr. Garrison. Fosse and Bill wheel in a large cage covered by a cloth. TERRANCE Boys, Mr. Garrison, fellow students. For our science fair project, Bill, Fosse and I have spawned a creature genetically far superior to man. I present to you -- Fosse and Bill rip away the cloth. TERRANCE ...The five-assed monkey! Inside the cage is the formerly four-assed monkey, now with a fifth ass. The ape now looks absolutely furious. Everyone APPLAUDS. Terrance and the boys bow. MR. GARRISON Oh Mr. Hat isn't it beautiful. KYLE Wait, Wait, the pig just gave birth, it had a baby!!! Cartman and Kyle carry in a large cage, but we can't quite see what's inside. The class gathers around to look. Many "Oohs" and "Wow's are heard. KIDS What's it look like? KYLE Does it look like a pig or an elephant? CARTMAN Hey, it kinda looks like Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON Oh, gee. Isn't that an amazing coincidence? What are the odds of that? STAN Hmmn! MR. GARRISON You boys get first prize! Fluffy stands proud of her offspring. Cartman looks down at her with a little glow around his head. CARTMAN That'll do pig. THE END