South Park Episode 108 "DAMIEN" by Matt Stone & Trey Parker EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing. INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY The children take their seats for another day of school. Cartman is passing out envelopes to all the kids. CARTMAN Here you go, Kyle. And here's yours Stan... KYLE (Opening the envelope) What is this, Cartman? CARTMAN They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend. STAN Oh, Sweet! Your mom is giving you a big party again this year? CARTMAN Thaaaat's right! (Singing) 'Cause it's my birthday! My Bu-Bu Birthdayyy! KYLE Kick ass, dude. Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever! CARTMAN That's right! STAN Yeah, if MY mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat ass too. CARTMAN That's right! (Catching himself) HEY! PIP Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation. CARTMAN Oh really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Cartman pretends to look around. CARTMAN Let's see... Pip's invitation... Pip's invitation... OH, I REMEMBER! Pip lights up. CARTMAN I shoved it up my ass! Pip looks sad. CARTMAN Yes that's right, I wrote it out, put it in a envelope, sealed it, and then PLOOP! Shoved it right my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip ol' chap. Cartman walks past Pip and hands out more invites. CARTMAN Here's yours Wendy, and here's yours Clyde... Mr. Garrison walks in. MR. GARRISON Children, children... Today is a very special day -- CARTMAN No, my birthday isn't until Saturday. MR. GARRISON I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today! The kids all moan. MR. GARRISON Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town. So I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. An odd-looking child wearing all black steps up next to Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON I want you all to meet our new classmate... Uh... What's your name again? DAMIEN Damien. CLOSE UP on Damien's eyes. Demonic music plays. MR. GARRISON Say hi to Damien! The kids don't respond. MR. GARRISON And where are you from, Damien? DAMIEN The seventh layer of hell. MR. GARRISON Ooh, that's exciting. My mother was from Alabama. Damien stands up on a chair. DAMIEN My arrival connotes the end of the beginning the beginning of the end! The new reign of my father! MR. GARRISON Your father? DAMIEN The Prince of Darkness! Dramatic music. MR. GARRISON Wow, we have royalty in our class! Why don't you take your seat, Damien, we're going to finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque Era. Damien gets down from the chair and sits next to Cartman. Cartman glares at him. MR. GARRISON Now children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass... As Garrison continues, Cartman leans over to Damien. CARTMAN Hey new kid, do you want an invitation to my birthday party? DAMIEN Here begins the rule of pain. The new domination of -- CARTMAN PSYCHE!! I wasn't gonna GIVE you an invitation!! HA, HA!! Damien looks shocked. CARTMAN Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder? Damien turns his head to one side. CHOIR MUSIC kicks in as Cartman's desk goes flying up into the air and out the window. STAN Woa, dude! KYLE Damn! What a FREAK! CARTMAN HEY! I had a poofie pie in that desk. DAMIEN NOW FEEL THE WRATH OF THE FALLEN ANGEL!! THE PLAGUE OF NIGHT IS UPON THE!!! MR. GARRISON Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes? Damien looks around, confused. Then he steps down from his desk and sits calmly. CARTMAN (Singing) You got in trou-ble! You got in trou- ble! INT. CAFETERIA - DAY The boys are eating lunch. Stan is reading from an envelope. STAN Hey Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'? KYLE Yeah, mine says 'Red Mega-Man'. CARTMAN Right. That's what you're supposed to get me for my birthday. Stan and Kyle look at each other. STAN Dude! You're not supposed to TELL people what to get you for your birthday! KYLE Yeah, that's weak! CARTMAN Look, it's very simple, guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega-Man and Yellow Mega-Man to make the Ultra- Mega-Mega-Man. You have to have all three or doesn't work, see? STAN Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want! CARTMAN Oh! So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake pie and ice cream then! Stan shuts up. STAN Oh, Green Mega-Man it is. CARTMAN Now, as you can see, Kenny, YOU are to get me Yellow Mega-Man. That's because yellow Mega-Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is... Just then, Damien sits down with his lunch tray. The boys all looked shocked. STAN Hey, what do you think you're doing, new kid? CARTMAN Yeah, you can't sit with us, weirdo! Damien looks a little hurt. DAMIEN INFIDELS! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!! KYLE You can't sit with us new kid! Go find another table!! Damien scowls and stomps off. CARTMAN Anyway, Kenny, yellow Mega-Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two. Stan and Kyle laugh. Kenny punches Cartman. As Cartman continues, Damien sits at a table that is empty except for Pip. PIP Oh, good day, Damien! My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me 'Pip'... Because they hate me. DAMIEN Then I will call you PIP. PIP Right-o. Stan calls over from his table -- STAN Hey new kid! Damien turns to the boys. STAN Kenny says he saw your mom drop you off this morning, and she's a REAL DOG! The boys all laugh. Damien scowls. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rm! The boys laugh even harder. Damien gets pissed. He cringes his brow. More CHOIR music jumps in. DAMIEN THAT DOES IT!! OOF-FAAA!!! Kenny shivers and shakes and then suddenly -- PWOOF! Kenny is turned into a duck billed platypus. (Still wearing his little orange coat.) STAN What the -- KYLE Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck billed platypus! STAN A what? KENNY Wack, wack. CARTMAN HEY!! Turn him back you butthole!! He has to buy me the yellow Mega- Man!! CHEF Hello there, children! BOYS Hey, Chef. CHEF How's it going? STAN AND KYLE Bad. CHEF Why bad? KYLE Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weird-o freak. CHEF Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song... Music starts in. CHEF (Singing) We're all special, in our own way Everybody's different but that's okay 'Cause even though we might have different color skin, different points of views, be tall or thin -- It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman and touch your silky skin -- Put my love deep inside you where no man has ever been -- Rub your legs, caress your thighs and.... Chef stops himself. CHEF What were we talking about again? KYLE (Pointing) The new kid. Damien is now standing on the lunch table with his arms raised. DAMIEN Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angel now makes for you all!!!! Damien throws his hands in the air and tables go flying everywhere. Blood starts dripping from the ceiling. STAN WHOA!!!! The cafeteria is like the eye of a hurricane. CHEF Ooh, that is one futched up little cracker!!!! KYLE We told you, dude! Damien continues to throw his hands up in the air. Shit continues to fly everywhere. CHEF (Shouting) We've got to do something, children! He's tearing my cafeteria apart!! DAMIEN BRING ME JESUS!! MY WRATH SHALL CONTINUE UNTIL I SPEAK WITH JESUS!!! Stan and Kyle look at each other. KYLE & STAN Jesus? INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY Jesus is sitting at a make-up table brushing his hair. STAGE MANAGER Two minutes to air, Jesus. JESUS Thanks, Roland. Blessed art Thou. Stan and Kyle charge into the dressing room. STAN Jesus, Jesus!! JESUS Hi kids, I only do autographs after the show. STAN No, no, there's a big problem at school! Some new kid showed up wearing all black and Chef thinks he's evil. KYLE Yeah, look what he did to our friend Kenny. KENNY Wack, wack. JESUS Wow... That's pretty heavy. STAN This new kid keeps throwing things around and saying stuff about his Dark Prince Father coming. He said he wants to talk to you. JESUS (Standing) The Dark Prince? STAN AND KYLE Yeah. ZOOM IN on Jesus who suddenly realizes what this all means. JESUS (Standing up) So it was written... And so the cycle of years brings the son of the evil one... STAN (To Kyle) Oh brother, now HE'S talking like the new kid. JESUS Thou must taketh me to the seedling of Satan so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth. KYLE Kay. EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY A recess monitor blows her whistle as kids run around the playground. RECESS MONITOR Five minutes until recess is over you little bastards!! Cartman is standing by the swingset with full on graphs, charts and drawings. A few random kids are gathered around. Cartman has a pointer in his hand and is using it to demonstrate as he talks. CARTMAN Now, as you can see, the Red Mega- Man uses the -- (Pointing) Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, YOU were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper illustrated -- (Pointing) HERE. But I am changing your present to the Yellow Mega-Man, since Kenny has been turned into a -- (Pointing) duck billed platypus. That means that the Mega-Man Beach House, illustrated here... Will be a gift given by two people at once... The kids all try to follow along with their eyes. A few take notes. EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE PLAYGROUND Meanwhile, Damien is at another part of the playground setting things on fire with his hands. Pip is standing next to him. Damien spins around and burns down the slide. Several children look sad. BEBE Our slide! Damien spins around and sets the teeter-totter a blaze. Again the children look sad. DAMIEN FEEL MY WRATH!!! PIP Oh dear, you shouldn't be so upset, Damien. I know its hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you some day. DAMIEN (Insincere) I DON'T NEED ACCEPTANCE! I'M THE SON OF SATAN!! Another flick of the hand, and Damien burns down the little spring-animals. Damien turns and burns down the jungle gym. PIP Believe me, I know what its like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor, he helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely. Damien stops and thinks. JESUS DAMIEN!!! Damien turns around and sees Jesus standing with Stan and Kyle and the Kenny duck billed platypus. DAMIEN AH! Son of Stench!! Cursed ruler of the weak!! JESUS So it IS Thou! Son of Lucifer!! DAMIEN Your time on this Earth is short!! Soon my father comes!!! Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman follow the biblical exchange like a tennis match with their heads. JESUS Let him come then! I shall stop him! DAMIEN Behold! He is already upon us!! Suddenly, clouds move all over the sky. The day becomes black. KYLE Oh, dude! A huge booming voice comes from all around. EVIL VOICE Et dominous em pluribus unom som... Damien closes his eyes and listens. Jesus looks around, confused. EVIL VOICE Forente omi sanctum san ri en unibus. Winds blow, thing fly all around. Half the townspeople come running up to see what's happening. JIMBO What the hell is going on?! Now a normal looking priest, (we call him PRIEST MAXI) walks up and looks around. PRIEST MAXI (Pointing to Jesus) Look! It's that guy from the public access show! Jesus looks around the flying debris. Chef comes running up as well. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN WHAT'S HAPPENING?! CHEF (To the pretty women) Come over here if you're scared, womens! I'll protect you! Mr. Garrison hides in Chef's bosom. CHEF Not, you dammit! EVIL VOICE En ri... En ri omnibus spiritus... Finally, Damien opens his eyes. DAMIEN Jesus... My father says... He CHOOSES YOU! He CALLS YOU OUT! Jesus eyes grow wide. All the townspeople look at each other. DAMIEN Be here at this time tomorrow! There the terms will be discussed! JESUS Very well! Let the final battle between good and evil be fought... Right here in South Park! The townspeople all look thrilled. JIMBO Come on Ned! We gotta get our asses to the bookie!! Everyone disperses. Stan and Kyle walks up next to Jesus. STAN You're gonna fight Satan? JESUS This fight has been ordained since the beginning. My children, this is the most crucial and serious time of all history... INT. TELEVISION An ad is playing on the television. NARRATOR Who will win our souls? Our savior and Lord? Or the Prince of Darkness! SERIOUS MUSIC plays as strange images fly past the screen. NARRATOR It's the Final Battle between good and evil. AND IT'S ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW!! TITLES fly into frame 'JESUS VS. SATAN' NARRATOR Jesus verses Satan! Live from the South Park Forum on Saturday! Call now to order, only $49.95! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Duck Billed Kenny are watching T.V. CARTMAN Hey, wait a minute! Saturday is my birthday party! They can't have the fight on Saturday! KENNY Mwack, mwack! STAN I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight or Cartman's birthday? CARTMAN Cartman's birthday! KYLE We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between good and evil. CARTMAN You guys! My mom's getting a ferris wheel! STAN Well, come on, we have to at least see the weigh in. Stan, Kyle and Kenny head out. CARTMAN WHO THE HELL DECIDED THIS FIGHT HAD TO BE ON SATURDAY HUH?!! THIS WHOLE THING IS A PLOT AGAINST ME, ISN'T IT!! COMMERCIAL BREAK 1 EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY A large group of people have gathered around Jesus in downtown South Park. PRIEST MAXI When is Satan going to show up? Another Townsperson shrugs as he prepares his camera by cleaning off the lens. The boys walk up. STAN Did The Devil show up yet? JESUS Not yet. KYLE Hey Jesus, If you win the fight can you turn Kenny back to normal? Jesus looks at the little duck billed platypus. JESUS What the hell do you mean IF I win the fight? CARTMAN (Aside) Don't mind him, Jesus. He's Jewish. JESUS (Understanding) Oh. Still more townspeople show up. JIMBO We're all with you Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beating that Dark Prince! The townspeople all cheer. JESUS Thank you for your faith. But I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation... PRIEST MAXI You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus! The Townspeople all cheer again. Suddenly, a HUGE booming sound starts. JESUS Behold, the evil one approaches. In walks Satan. Seven feet two inches, three hundred and ten pounds -- A BIG, BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER. Jesus' eyes get HUGE. The Townspeople's jaws all drop in unison. MR. GARRISON Holy poop on a stick! SATAN (Deep, bellowing voice) Puny son of Jehovah. Prepare to enter thy house of pain. STAN Holy crap, dude, Satan is HUGE! JIMBO Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef. Jesus tries to look tough, but he's obviously scared. Stan and Kyle look at each other with deep concern. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY Everybody is still gathered around for the weigh in. Satan stands in front of Jesus looking tough and confident. SATAN Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits. Jesus swallows hard, then tries desperately not to sound scared. JESUS Oh... Oh yeah? SATAN I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee. JESUS Oh yeah? The Townspeople look at each other, concerned. The Weigh In Guy stands with a large scale. He gestures for Satan to step up, and he does. WEIGH IN GUY Satan weighs in at... Three Hundred and Twenty pounds four ounces! The townspeople all gasp. Jesus replaces Satan on the scale. WEIGH IN GUY Jesus Christ weighs in at... A hundred and thirty-five pounds -- one ounce! Stan and Kyle look at each other. CHEF Ooh, crap. JESUS (Checking the scale) Oh come on, I weigh more than that! Satan throws his arms in the air. SATAN LET THE NEW PRINCE BE DECIDED ON SATURDAY!! FIRST SOUTH PARK, THEN THE WORLD!!!!!!!! Satan leaves. Jesus stands there, still obviously shaken. The Townspeople look around, with knowing nods. JIMBO Well... I think I'll uh... I think I left the oven on... MR. GARRISON Yeah... I think I left your oven on, too... All the Townspeople slowly back away. Jesus looks at them suspiciously. PRIEST MAXI See ya, Saturday, Jesus. Good Luck... INT. SPORT'S BOOK - DAY The townspeople suddenly burst through the doors and storm the bookie. JIMBO I want to change my bet to Satan!! NED Me too!! MR. GARRISON I was here first! INT. SCHOOL COUNSELOR'S OFFICE A wiry, dorky man sits at a desk with his hands folded. A sign on the desk tells us very clearly that this is the SCHOOL COUNSELOR. COUNSELOR Now, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me ANYTHING OK?... Being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend Okay. Sitting across from the counselor is little Damien, actually looking a little bummed for the first time. DAMIEN Everybody hates me. COUNSELOR Well... Why do you suppose that is? DAMIEN (Thinking) Because I'm the son of the devil? COUNSELOR Uh-huh. That's a good start. Why else? DAMIEN (Thinking) Because I burn them and kill them? COUNSELOR Well, yes, maybe that's it... What you need to do Damien is to be overly nice. No matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. Damien thinks. COUNSELOR Be passive, Okay? that's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and just look at how much the other children like him now! EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY A few children are standing in a circle with Pip in the middle. CLYDE I bet I can spit the most on him! Clyde let's a loogie go on Pip. BEBE Oh yeah, I bet I can get spit in his hair! Bebe spits a wod in Pip's eye. PIP Oh, nice try! A little higher and you've got it. At another part of the playground, the boys are all just standing around, since all the playground equipment was burned down by Damien. STAN Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'. CARTMAN Oh, here comes unholy butthole now. Damien walks by. CARTMAN Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch! Damien takes a deep breath. DAMIEN I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice. The boys all think. CARTMAN Oh, oh! Cartman walks up to Damien and farts on him. CARTMAN Oh, excuse me, new kid! I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice! Damien looks pissed, but he holds back. STAN Whew! You stink new kid! You smell like a fart! KYLE Yeah, we're gonna call you fart boy from now on! Damien walks off, pissed off and sad. STAN Bye Bye, Fart boy! KYLE See ya! Damien leaves and walks up to Pip. PIP Good day. How are you, Damien? DAMIEN Those guys farted on me and then called me -- PIP Fart boy? Oh good, perhaps they won't call ME that any more! INT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT The Townspeople are all sitting around tables, drinking beer and conversing. Suddenly, Jesus walks in through the front door looking very upset. JESUS Excuse me! And the room goes silent. JESUS (Pissed) I just talked to the BOOKIE at the sports BETTING bar... CHEF Oh, oh... The townspeople all look around and whistle. JESUS I HAVE BEEN FORSAKEN!! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning! The townspeople look at each other. JESUS In fact, it seems that only ONE PERSON in this ENTIRE TOWN is still betting on me! Jimbo looks at the townspeople with disapproval. PRIEST MAXI You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Betting against your Lord and savior! I am disgusted! JESUS YOUR bet was changed as well. YOU Forsaked me too! PRIEST MAXI Uh, right... Well, he does have a couple hundred pounds on you, Jesus. JESUS I implore you all -- Don't bet on the Dark one! It is a bet that you will NEVER win! PRIEST MAXI Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I am gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet RIGHT NOW! MR. GARRISON Oh Yeah, me too! JIMBO Yeah! PRIEST MAXI Praise the Lord. Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light, See ya later! Jesus pauses, then again looks suspicious and walks out. As soon as the door closes, everybody immediately sits back and starts drinking again. PRIEST MAXI What the hell, does he think we're crazy? Everybody laughs. Jesus pops back in. JESUS You're all a bunch of Judases! EXT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT Jesus walks out of the bar huffingly and bumps into the boys. STAN Hey, Jesus. JESUS What are you doing out so late, kids? KYLE We have to find red and green mega- mans for Cartman's birthday party. JESUS Oh... (thinking) Kids... YOU believe I can beat Satan, right? STAN Sure, dude, you're the son of God. KYLE Yeah. You aren't having doubts are you? JESUS No, no... (Pause) But could you help me train a little? INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY Several cameras are surrounding a table where Satan is sitting behind a plethora of microphones. REPORTER Satan, what do you expect the outcome of the fight to be? SATAN I will crush him like a little bug. ANOTHER REPORTER Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War? Satan starts to speak, but suddenly a hand jumps in and covers up the microphone. WHIP PAN RIGHT to reveal DON KING sitting next to Satan. DON KING Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talking smack about my fighters. All this 'He's mean', 'He's a dirty fighter', 'He the cause for all violence and death in the world', it's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring. INT. GYM - DAY Jesus is wearing large boxing gloves, and punching a bag that Stan and Kyle are holding. CARTMAN You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents? KYLE (Ignoring him) Here, Jesus, drink these raw eggs. JESUS No way, dude. Jesus steps into the little ring. Chef is standing there with boxing gloves. CHEF I can't... I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again. STAN But you're his sparring partner, Chef. KYLE Yeah, you have to hit him. JESUS Satan must be defeated, Chef. Please help me to train. CHEF Okay, but I'm just gonna tap you, alright? JESUS Give it your best sho -- SLAM!!!! Chef punches Jesus in the face, and Jesus flies to the canvas. CHEF Oh, God in Heaven!! What have I done?!? JESUS Oof... Anybody get the number of that truck? COMMERCIAL BREAK 2 EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY Cartman's birthday party is an AMAZING event. There are elephants, clowns, mimes, and even a ferris wheel. A large Banner reads 'Happy Birthday, Eric!' Cartman's mother walks through the huge crowd of kids, carrying an ENORMOUS amount of food. CARTMAN'S MOM Come on, kiddies! Eat more! Cartman is walking tall, wearing a little pointed birthday hat. He greets children as they walk in. CARTMAN Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left... Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left... Welcome Chef... Chef walks in. CHEF Yup, here's your present, children. Well, nice party, see you later. Chef starts to walk out. KYLE Hey, you just got here, Chef! CHEF I know, but the fight is starting! STAN But dude, check it out, Cartman's mom made chili. Mrs. Cartman gives Chef a wink. CHEF Mmmm, that's my favorite kind of chili. EXT. OUTSIDE CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY Damien and Pip are sitting alone on the curb. DAMIEN I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's birthday party. PIP Yes... It's always such a huge event. Sometimes I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there. DAMIEN The other kids have ALWAYS hated you? PIP Oh, yes. Actually, I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too, but now I think they like him because he picks on me. Damien suddenly gets an idea. EXT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY A good sized place for a boxing match. INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM The arena is huge. Just like the ring at Ceasar's or MGM. Banners and decorative posters are everywhere. The place is absolutely packed. ANNOUNCER In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere one hundred and forty pounds -- Jesus El Saviorrrrrrrrrrr CHRIST!!!! Everybody cheers. ANNOUNCER And in the very very black corner, wearing very very black trunks, the King of all that is evil, BEEEEEEE EL ZEBUB!!!! The crowd cheers. Jesus shoots them all a dirty look. They stop. ANNOUNCER Ladies & Gentlemen. LLLLLLLLLLLet's get ready to RUMMMMMBLLLLLE!!!!! Jesus and Satan meet in the center of the ring. The little bald ref steps between them. REF Okay, I want a good, clean fight guys, no punches below the belt, holding or miracles. The bell rings. Jesus and Satan go to their corners. EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY The big birthday party continues. Boys and girls run around and play and laugh. Suddenly, Damien and Pip walk in. CARTMAN HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing here?! STAN Yeah, YOU aren't invited, new kid! KYLE And neither are YOU, PIP! PIP Yes, I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but -- DAMIEN Wait a minute, give me a chance! I want to do something special for your party... Just then, Damien touches Pip -- and something incredible happens. Demons come up from the ground and grab onto Pip. PIP Oh NOOOO!!!!!! The demons hoist Pip up into the air. Pip's clothes catch on fire. He screams horrifically. KYLE Wow! Pip's body flies up into the sky and PWOOF!!! An explosion like beautiful fireworks illuminate the party. The kids all cheer and applaud. STAN Wow, that was COOL!!! KYLE Hey... You're not such a bad guy after all, Damien! CARTMAN Yeah, come on in and join the party! Damien absolutely beams with happiness. INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY The bell rings! Jesus and Satan come from their corners. Satan immediately throws a punch that connects and knocks Jesus back. The crowd all goes wild! Jesus turns and looks at them in disgust. The crowd just as immediately gets quiet. Jesus takes another couple of blows to the body. The punches are hard and painful. Jesus looks incredibly sad and scared. Now Jesus drops his arms and just let's Satan pound on him. SATAN Come on you little wuss! FIGHT!! Satan dances around. SATAN Throw a punch! EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY Cartman is wearing a little birthday hat on his head and standing at a table opening gifts. CARTMAN Oh, I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday... Oh look! A blue Mega- Man! Cartman pulls out the toy and smiles. CARTMAN Thank you, Stan, you may eat pie and cake and ice cream, now. Stan dashes off. CARTMAN And what did Wendy get me? (Before he even opens it) Oh, it's The Yellow Mega-Man! Now Cartman opens the present and sure enough, The Yellow Mega Man is inside. CARTMAN Help yourself to pie, cake and ice cream, Wendy. Wendy dashes off. CARTMAN Oh! Look what Kyle got me! it's a Red Mega -- (Opening the gift) Ants in the Pants?! Cartman pulls out the game. CARTMAN ANTS IN THE PANTS?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?! KYLE It's a game, dude. It's really fun. CARTMAN YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!! Cartman tackles Kyle and knocks him to the ground. KYLE AAGHGH!! CARTMAN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN!!! NOW I CAN'T MAKE ULTRA MEGA-MEGA MAN!! YOU DIRTY CHEAP ASS PIECE OF CRAP!!! Cartman slugs Kyle repeatedly. KYLE THEY WERE ALL OUT OF 'EM, DUDE!!! CARTMAN I HATE YOU!!! I WANT YOU TO DIE!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!! Cartman suddenly gets up and yells to everybody. CARTMAN THAT'S IT!! PARTY IS OVER!!! EVERYBODY GO HOME!!! The kids all look stunned. Cartman walks over to a HUGE switch and pulls it down. Immediately the entire party shuts down -- The ferris wheel stops, the lights go off and all the music stops. CARTMAN GET THE HELL OUT I SAID!! PARTY'S OVER!!! GET OUT GODAMNIT!! The kids all start to file out. STAN (Walking out) Whoa dude, you need to mellow out. Cartman throws the box at Kyle. CARTMAN Take you stupid ants in the pants with you!!! EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE All the kids are gathered outside, in shock. DAMIEN Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems. STAN Aw, he does this all the time. Chef starts running down the street. CHEF Come on, children!! We can still catch the end of the fight!!! Pip drops out of the sky. PIP Oh, what a splendid party. INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY Jesus is still getting his ass kicked by Satan. Satan is dancing around, landing blows. Jesus still won't fight. Jesus takes a smack to the face. SATAN Fight Dammit! COMMERCIAL BREAK #3 The boys run up to Jesus' corner. STAN Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! Just then, the bell rings. Jesus returns to his corner and plops down in his seat. STAN You've got to FIGHT, Jesus! JESUS Why? What's the point? No one believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan... My Father forsaked me... The Town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook. KYLE SOMEBODY bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still has money on you. JESUS It doesn't matter. He's way to strong for me anyway. I give up. Stan gets in Jesus' face and starts yelling. STAN GOD DAMMIT, JESUS SNAP OUT OF IT!!! Jesus looks surprised. STAN What would Nancy Karrigan do?! HUH?! Nancy Karrigan wouldn't give up!! When things were looking their darkest Nancy Karrigan fought to be the BEST!! Kyle looks confused. STAN She wouldn't stop until she was NUMBER ONE!!! KYLE Uh... Stan... STAN Nancy Karrigan wouldn't settle for second best!! KYLE Stan... STAN She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!! KYLE Stan!! STAN What?! KYLE Nancy Karrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second. Stan thinks for a long time. STAN Really? KYLE Yeah, dude. STAN Oh... Never mind Jesus, Nancy Karrigan sucks. The snapping sounds means it's almost time to go back into the ring. Jesus drinks some water and spits it out. Now Stan gets right in Jesus' face. STAN You know... Somebody once said 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'. Jesus thinks for a while. JESUS Who said that? STAN YOU did Jesus. Stan puts his hand on Jesus' shoulder. MUSIC swells up. Jesus gives a little smile and nods. JESUS You're right, Stan. Just then the bell rings. JESUS Thank you, boys. Jesus steps into the ring. KYLE Wow, did he say that in the bible? STAN No, I saw it on Star Trek. KYLE Hmmn. Jesus and Satan meet in the ring. Satan takes a couple of shots, Jesus ducks, and the punches miss. SATAN Come on you SISSY! Hit me! Hit me! JESUS Okay, pal, YOU ASKED FOR IT!! Jesus winds up his arm. Stan and Kyle watch intensely. The Townspeople's eyes get wide... Finally, Jesus delivers the blow -- He hits Satan EXTREMELY SOFTLY in the arm. Satan doesn't even flinch. Stan and Kyle roll their eyes. But suddenly, Satan grabs his arm -- SATAN AAAGHH!! YOU GOT ME!!! Satan falls to the canvas, eyes closed. REF ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! The Townspeople are in shock. JIMBO No way! He barely touched him! REF FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! Satan opens one eye, but doesn't move from the canvas, a little smile crosses his face. REF NINE! TEN! YOU'RE OUT!!! The bell rings over and over. Jesus throws his hands in the air and jumps up and down. STAN AND KYLE OUR SAVIOR!!!! ANNOUNCER The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdom. Jesus Elllllll Saaaavior Christ. Just then, Satan gets up, looking just fine. MR. GARRISON Hey! He isn't hurt! He took a dive! He threw the fight! JIMBO Yeah. SATAN Fools!! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive! Don't you see -- who do you think was the ONE PERSON that bet on Jesus to win? The townspeople all think. SATAN ME you idiots!! And now I will take all your hard earned money and return to hell a MUCH RICHER Prince of Darkness and buy some real estate! Ha HA HA!!! Satan dances out of the ring. PRIEST MAXI I don't believe this! MR. GARRISON Yeah, what a mean thing to do! SATAN Farewell fools!! JIMBO Man... That guy is a JERK!! Satan disappears into the ground. STAN Jesus TOLD you guys not to bet on Satan! MR. GARRISON Boy, did we get screwed. CHEF Jesus, we're sorry... Can you ever forgive us? Jesus thinks. JESUS Aw, heck, do I have a choice? JIMBO Well Jesus, I definitely learned MY lesson. Never bet on evil, because when you do -- Ned, look! That's a rare duck billed platypus! It's comin' right for us!!! Jimbo pulls out a gun and blows Kenny's head off. STAN OH MY GOD!! THEY KILLED KENNY!!!! KYLE You bastard!!! DAMIEN Well, goodbye guys, it was nice getting to know you. STAN You're leaving already? DAMIEN I have to. My dad's always on the move. Damien hangs his head and walks away. STAN Wow... I feel kinda bad for that kid. KYLE Yeah, just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over. STAN Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security? EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY Cartman is sitting at a table by himself surrounded by half eaten cakes, pies, and all kinds of other crap. Food is all over the place. Cartman's face is covered with food, his eyes are half closed. It looks like a food war has been fought, but actually Cartman has just gorged himself. MS. CARTMAN More pie, hon? CARTMAN (Weakly) No... more... pie... THE END