"SOUTH PARK" Episode 113 "Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut" Written by Trey Parker and David Goodman ACT I EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting for the bus. STAN Dude, the bus will be here any minute and Cartman didn't show up for school. KYLE Yeah, this is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rm. The boys all laugh. KYLE Yeah! STAN Hey, maybe we should ditch school and go check on him. But just then, the school bus pulls up. MS. CRABTREE COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!!! STAN We're not getting on, you fat, ugly bitch. MS. CRABTREE WHAT DID YOU SAY?! STAN I said 'We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch'. MS. CRABTREE Oh, alright then. Ms. Crabtree closes the door and drives away. KYLE Woa, dude!! STAN I always wondered if that would work. EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE The boys walk up to Cartman's door and knock. Cartman's mother answers. MS. CARTMAN Hello, boys! KYLE Hi, we were wondering why fat ass -- I mean, Cartman -- hasn't been showing up for school. MS. CARTMAN Oh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the back yard. The boys look at each other suspiciously. STAN In the back yard? EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD It's a nice little yard. Cartman is sitting at a small, rectangular table covered with a white tablecloth. Cartman is at the head of the table, serving tea with an adorable little plastic tea set. Also seated at the table, are five of Cartman's stuffed animals, one in each chair, and each with a little teacup and saucer in front of them. CARTMAN Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants? CARTMAN (Polly voice) Yes, Eric, I would love some tea, thank you. CARTMAN You're very welcome, Polly Prissypants. Unbeknownst to Cartman, the boys sneak in from behind some bushes. They can't believe what they see. CARTMAN Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog? CARTMAN (Frog voice) Yes, please. Eric, why are you so cool? CARTMAN Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog, I just am. CARTMAN (Polly voice) You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you. CARTMAN Why thank you, Polly Prissypants, how nice of you. The boys stay hidden in the bushes. STAN Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. KENNY (Laughing) Mph rm rmph rm rm! KYLE Come on! Let's go make fun of him!! Stan grabs Kyle, stopping him. STAN No, dude... This looks really serious. I think we better get help. KYLE Really? Cartman pours tea for a large, stuffed Panda. CARTMAN (Panda voice) Wow, Eric, you are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea! CARTMAN Why thank you, Peter Panda, It's a distinctive Earl Grey. CARTMAN (Polly voice) Eric is the best! CARTMAN (Frog voice) Hooray for Eric! CARTMAN (Panda voice) Eric Kicks ass! EXT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY Establishing. INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY The boys are gathered around the counselor's desk. Behind them is a LARGE poster that reads 'FATHER & SON DAY IS COMING'. KYLE Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman. COUNSELOR Oh, well there's a news flash. STAN No, no. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals. KYLE Yeah, he was doing their voices and pouring tea for them. COUNSELOR Oh okay... Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, okay? KYLE What do you mean? COUNSELOR Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric? STAN No. *Note - the poster should be very visible in this shot. COUNSELOR Well, obviously something is bothering him, okay? Finally the Counselor looks up at the wall. COUNSELOR Oh, of course! The counselor walks over, right in front of the poster, then reaches past it and grabs a video camera. COUNSELOR My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, okay? STAN Is that legal? COUNSELOR Oh, hell yes. EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD Cartman is sitting at his cute little table. CARTMAN My goodness that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissypants. CARTMAN (Polly voice) Oh, thank you, Eric, you are a perfect gentleman. And you are smart and cool. CARTMAN (Panda voice) Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and cool. Everybody likes you very much. CARTMAN That' nice, Peter Panda... Meanwhile, the boys are in the distance, with the camcorder on a tripod, trying hard not to laugh. STAN Dude, this is gonna be the funniest tape ever made! KYLE How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs? STAN I dunno, just keep rolling. Cartman continues, unaware of the video camera. CARTMAN More tea, Rumper Tumpskin? CARTMAN (Tumpskin voice) Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome. CARTMAN Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog? CARTMAN (Frog voice) I think you're a big, fat piece of crap. Cartman thinks for a minute. CARTMAN HEY!!! EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The sun goes down in South Park. Passage of time. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE Cartman and his mom are sitting at the dinner table. Kitty walks up and meows. CARTMAN No, Kitty this is MY corned beef cabbage. KITTY Meow. CARTMAN No, kitty!! That's a BAD KITTY!!! Kitty hisses. MS. CARTMAN How is your beefy roast, snookums? CARTMAN Mom... Can I ask you a question? MS. CARTMAN Sure, hon. CARTMAN You know how my friend Stan has, like, a DAD? MS. CARTMAN Uh-huh. CARTMAN And my friend Kyle has a DAD... And my friend Kenny has a DAD? MS. CARTMAN Yes... The two just sit there in silence for a LONG TIME. MS. CARTMAN Well what's your question, hon? CARTMAN (Pissed) GODDAMMIT!! Do I have a dad?!?! MS. CARTMAN Oh... CARTMAN I wanna know where I came from. MS. CARTMAN Oh... Hmmm... Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be... CLOSE to each other. CARTMAN Uh-huh... MS. CARTMAN And, sometimes, the man puts his Hoo- Hoo Dilly in the woman's Cha-Cha. Cartman tries to understand. CARTMAN So, WHO put his Hoo-Hoo Dilly in your Cha-Cha? Cartman's mother thinks. MS. CARTMAN Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic... It was a beautiful autumn night, when the aspen trees were turning; At the twelfth annual drunken barn dance... EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT - 8 YEARS AGO A large barn with a banner that reads 'Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance'. From inside, music, screaming, laughing and crashing can be heard. INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT Inside the barn is absolute chaos. People are singing, dancing, fighting... but most of all, drinking. Beer flows from huge steins, steel kegs, and glass bottles. Everyone is absolutely bombed. MS. CARTMAN (V.O.) I was young and naïve then... Now we see the younger Ms. Cartman. She looks pretty much the same except that her hair is longer. She is chugging a yard of Beer. MAN Wow! I've never seen a woman drink that much!! You're amazing, Ms. Cartman!! MS. CARTMAN (totally drunk) Oh, heck, I haven't even started yet! I baked cookies... would anybody like one? OFFICER BARBRADY I wouldn't mind gettin' a hold of YOUR cookies, Ms. Cartman! MS. CARTMAN (Sexy) Well... Go right ahead, Officer Barbrady... Barbrady leans into Ms. Cartman... Then grabs a cookie, bites into it and walks away. OFFICER BARBRADY Mmm, that's a good cookie7! Square Dancing MUSIC kicks in. JIMBO Come on everybody, let's do the drunken barn dance!! Ms. Cartman stumbles over to the dance floor. MS. CARTMAN (V.O.) And then I saw him... He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. The camera settles on Jimbo for a moment... Was Jimbo Cartman's dad?! No, just then, the crowd parts, and standing there... Is a large, buff Native American Ute man. He and Ms. Cartman stare at each other. MS. CARTMAN (V.O.) His name was Chief Running Water. As the camera ZOOMS IN on their faces, that gay 'Near/Far' song from Titanic plays. Ms. Cartman walks over to the Chief and starts to mosh with him, vulgarly. Finally, Ms. Cartman trips, falls down, gets back up, vomits, and keeps dancing. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - PRESENT DAY Cartman is sitting, listening to the story. MS. CARTMAN I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning, I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin. CARTMAN So where is Chief Running Water -- I mean, DAD, now? MS. CARTMAN Oh, I never saw him after that. I wasn't really that interested in him. Cartman sits there and thinks for a moment. CARTMAN That isn't a very romantic story, mom! Ms. Cartman goes back to eating. MS. CARTMAN I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town. CARTMAN Wow... To think all this time I'm actually a naïve American. Kitty walks up and meows. CARTMAN NO KITTY! That's a BAD KITTY!!! EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING INT. STAN'S HOUSE Stan, Kyle and Kenny are on the couch watching television. Grandpa is watching the T.V. too, but he has the remote control. ANGLE - TV NARRATOR Coming this Sunday... A major television event that will blow you away. Explosions on the T.V. screen. The boys perk up. NARRATOR Terrance... Zoom in on Terrance's face. NARRATOR Phillip... Zoom in on Phillip's face. NARRATOR In the harrowing made for T.V. drama, 'Not Without My Anus'. Based on a true story. TERRANCE Hey Phillip, I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter! PHILLIP Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance! Phillip farts, they both laugh merrily. NARRATOR See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC movie of the week. STAN Wow! Kick ass, dude! We have to remember to tape Not Without My Anus next week. KYLE Yeah, dude, it looks riveting. STAN C'mon grandpa?! We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip! GRANDPA No, Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob Saget show. The boys MOAN. ANGLE - TV NARRATOR And now back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here's your host, Bob Saget!!! A clean shaven Bob Saget takes the stage. BOB SAGET Hey, I just flew into the studio, boy are my arms tired. The audience doesn't react, but Grandpa laughs. BOB SAGET Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts. The audience again remains silent. Grandpa slaps his knee, laughing. The boys just sit there. BOB SAGET Knock, Knock. BOB SAGET Bob. BOB SAGET Bob Saget. The audience is stumped for a moment. Silence... Suddenly they ERUPT with laughter. They roll around on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. So is grandpa. Stan can't believe it. STAN This guy sucks! KYLE Yeah, he's almost as bad as that guy on Full House. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. The boys walk over to answer it. When Stan opens the door, he finds Cartman dressed in all Indian garb. STAN Cartman? What the hell are you doing dressed up like an Indian with a bear necklace? CARTMAN Naive American, Stan. And the bear is very important to my people. STAN What? Kyle and Kenny walk up behind Stan and check Cartman out. Kenny immediately starts laughing uncontrollably. CARTMAN HEY! THE WHITE MAN HAS MOCKED MY PEOPLE LONG ENOUGH! YOU KEEP YOUR GODDAMNED MOUTH SHUT!!! (Back to normal) Stan, I need to borrow your bike to ride over to the reservation. STAN What are you talking about, Cartman? CARTMAN My name isn't Eric Cartman. It's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it? STAN Go ahead, dude. Cartman leaves, closing the door behind him. The boys head back to the couch. KYLE Man, Cartman's more screwed up than I thought. STAN (holding out VHS tape) Yeah, we better get this video tape over to Mr. Mackey quick. ANGLE - TV BOB SAGET Just a friendly reminder to all of you out there, send us your stupidest home videos! The grand prize this month will be for ten thousand dollars!! GRANDPA Ten thousand dollars!! Holy smokes!! KYLE Wow! I wish WE had a stupidest homevideo! Suddenly, the boys all seem to get the same idea. The camera PANS along each kid's face as MUSIC kicks in. They look at their tape with wide eyes. EXT. UTE INDIAN RESERVATION - DAY A NATIVE AMERICAN man walks up to a campfire, where several other Utes are sitting. CHIEF RUNNING WATER ...And Bear cried to Eagle... NATIVE AMERICAN Running Water, there's some kid here to see you. CHIEF RUNNING WATER What kid? NATIVE AMERICAN He claims to be YOUR kid. Just then, Cartman walks up, wearing all kinds of Indian garb. CARTMAN Hi, dad! CHIEF RUNNING WATER Who the hell are you? CARTMAN I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your Who-Who Dilly in her Cha- Cha at the drunken barn dance. CHIEF RUNNING WATER Your mother? CARTMAN Liane Cartman. CHIEF RUNNING WATER CARTMAN?! (Laughing) Oh, boy I was worried there for a second!! Look, kid, I'm not your father. CARTMAN But my mom said YOU were the guy she was with. CHIEF RUNNING WATER Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as 'Bear with wide canyon'. CARTMAN What do you mean? CHIEF RUNNING WATER She is 'Doe who cannot keep legs together'. CARTMAN Huh? CHIEF RUNNING WATER Your mom's a slut. CARTMAN HEY! CHIEF RUNNING WATER Don't feel too bad, your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you... EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT We are again outside the drunken barn dance. INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT The younger Chief Running Water and Ms. Cartman laugh and dance into the hay loft, a few yards away from the party. Ms. Cartman giggles as she and the Chief fall into the hay, embracing each other. They look into each other's eyes for a beat... CHIEF RUNNING WATER We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot. I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things. MS. CARTMAN Oh Chief, I want your hot manchowder. CHIEF RUNNING WATER Woa! Hello! The two start going at it, as random townspeople dance and vomit past them. MS. CARTMAN Wait, wait!! Ms. Cartman sits up. MS. CARTMAN Who is THAT?! Again the crowd parts, and this time we see a younger CHEF standing in the crowd with a big afro. Again, the Near/Far faggot song from Titanic plays as the camera zooms in on Ms. Cartman's and Chef's faces. MS. CARTMAN Chief... Could you excuse me for a minute? CHIEF RUNNING WATER Huh? Ms. Cartman gets up and walks over to Chef. CHIEF RUNNING WATER You gotta be kidding me!! MS. CARTMAN Why, hello there... I don't think I've seen you around before. CHEF Naw, I'm new in town. MS. CARTMAN Well, what's a nice, handsome, (looking down) BLACK... man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park? CHEF I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here! MS. CARTMAN My, how exciting! Would you... Care to put your tongue in my mouth? CHEF Damn, baby, you cut right to the chase, don't you. MS. CARTMAN I'm plastered. Ms. Cartman grabs Chef and starts violently French kissing him. EXT. UTE INDIAN RESERVATION - PRESENT DAY CARTMAN His TONGUE?! CHEF?! Chef is my dad?! CHIEF RUNNING WATER He's the last person I saw with your mom that night. CARTMAN Oh my God! I'm a black African American!! ACT II EXT. BUSSTOP -DAY Stan, Kyle and Kenny are hanging out at the busstop with a little go-cart. Kenny is pulling at the lawn-mower type engine, trying to get it to start. STAN Come on, Kenny. Get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it!! KYLE Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home Videos? STAN Yeah, I mailed it last night. What sucks it that now we'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won. KYLE If we win, we can buy a NEW go-cart that actually RUNS! STAN Shh! Here comes Cartman! Cartman walks up, wearing all kinds of black hip hop street garb and sporting a large afro. CARTMAN Ssup, homies? STAN Cartman? CARTMAN I was just down in the SPC kicking it with some G's on the west side. KYLE You live on the EAST side, Cartman! STAN Dude, I thought you said you were Native American. CARTMAN Oh, right. Like I'm some hippy Indian! You know what I'm sayin'? Check you later, I'm gonna go chill with my dad. Cartman walks off. STAN Dude, we should be videotaping THIS! We could make ANOTHER ten thousand dollars! Just then, Kenny manages to get the go cart running. It takes off at an amazing speed! Kenny is dragged behind it, holding desperately onto the cord. STAN AND KYLE HOLD ON KENNY!!! The go-cart runs wild up and down the street, though the trees, Kenny being dragged and beaten to a bloody pulp. Finally, after horrible bounces and bumps, the go-cart comes to a stop. Kenny manages to slowly sit up. He waves to Stan and Kyle. He appears okay. KENNY Mrph mfrr mphr. Until a train runs him over going seventy. STAN Oh my God!! They've killed Kenny!! KYLE YOU BASTARDS!!! EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY Cartman knocks on the door. Chef answers. CHEF Hello? CARTMAN Yo, pops. Cartman is standing there with his afro. CHEF Boy, what the fudge are you doing?! CARTMAN You know, just laying down some rhymes for my G-folk. You know what I'm saying? CHEF Get in here! CARTMAN West side! Chef grabs Cartman by the arm and yanks him into his house. INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY CHEF (Grabbing the afro) Take off that wig!! Now what's gotten into you? CARTMAN YOU'RE my dad, Chef! Chief Running Water said you got together with my mom at the drunken barn dance. CHEF What? No... (Thinking to himself) Uh... Did I? CARTMAN He said you kissed her with your tongue. CHEF Oh! Oh, that's different! Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children! Cartman just stands there, blinking. CARTMAN (Looking sad) So, you're not my dad? CHEF Of course not. Here, (Helping Cartman onto a stool) You children sit down and let me explain something to you about where babies come from. Then you'll see why I can't be your dad. Music kicks in. Chef gets ready to sing. CHEF (Singing) When a man loves a woman and a woman loves a man (Actually, sometimes the man doesn't love the woman, but he acts like he does in order to get some action.) The magic starts to happen and the two take off their clothes -- that's right. They caress and touch each other until a part of the man grows. Oooh, they roll around and now things are really starting to get hot. And the man say, "I love you" and the woman says, "Hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom." So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and... You wait and you wait and you wait. You wait and you're cooling down and she's still going to the bathroom. Finally she comes back and she says, "Baby I'm getting hot." And that's when you gotta jump her butt and pump her full of... Cartman is tremendously confused. CARTMAN WHAT?! So who the hell did that to my mom at the drunken barn dance?!?! Chef thinks. CHEF Oh, children, that was a long time ago... But I'll tell you what I remember... EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT Same old establishing shot. Loud noises and music inside. INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT Chef and Ms. Cartman are rolling around in the hay, with their tongues in each other's mouths. Ms. Cartman is on her back, Chef is on top of her. MS. CARTMAN Oh, Chef! You're so strong!! JIMBO Hey everybody! Look who's here!! The AFC champion Denver Broncos!!! Sure enough the entire Denver Bronco team walks in. BRONCOS (Ad libbing) Are we too late for the party? Where's the beer. etc. Ms. Cartman, still on top of Chef, turns to look at the Denver Broncos. Once again, the gay Near/Far Titanic song starts, this time the camera ZOOMS in on Ms. Cartman's face and then ZOOMS in on the entire 1991 Denver Broncos team. MS. CARTMAN Oh, Chef! OH, CHEF!! Chef looks surprised. CHEF Damn woman, what's gotten into to you? MS. CARTMAN WHOOPEE!!! Suddenly, a hand emerges from beneath Ms. Cartman. Chef pulls the hay away to reveal... MR. GARRISON!! CHEF Garrison!! What the hell are you doing?! Garrison looks at his hand. MR. GARRISON You're DRUNK, Mr. HAT!! As Ms. Cartman looks at Garrison, that gay Near/Far song from Titanic swells up yet again. ZOOM IN on Ms. Cartman's and Garrison's faces. CHEF Ah, MAN!! I'm outta here! MS. CARTMAN Come on, Chef. Haven't you ever heard of a manage' au three? CHEF Yeah, when two women are involved! Chef gets up and leaves. MR. GARRISON Damn! Damn, Damn! Oh well, guess It'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman. They roll around in the hay. INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY CHEF And THAT'S who she was with last... Mr. Garrison. CARTMAN No! NOOOO!!!! NO GOD NO!!!!!! INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT ANGLE - TV ANNOUNCER And now back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. BOB SAGET Here's a video sent to us, that shows a VERY disturbed little boy... ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN A clip of what Kyle filmed of Cartman. No voice-over. Just Cartman's insanity. CARTMAN (on the monitor) 'Why thank you Polly Prissypants, you are my best friend.' The audience begins to laugh. CARTMAN (on the monitor/as Polly) 'I think you are one of the coolest people in the world Eric, and you are not fat at all!' CARTMAN Really? You don't think so? CARTMAN (on the monitor/as Clydefrog) No you're not fat. The audience goes apeshit. They are hysterical. ANGLE - KIDS Stan and Kyle are laughing. Just then, Stan's mother and father walk in. STAN'S MOTHER Oh, Stanly, we just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning. STAN Huh? Oh, yeah. STAN'S FATHER Is there anything we can do for you, son? Stan thinks. STAN How about some ice cream! KYLE Yeah! With butterscotch! STAN'S MOTHER You bet... You poor dears. Stan's father and mother walk out. ANGLE - TV BOB SAGET Now the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR grand prize to be chosen TOMORROW NIGHT. The winner is: (Drumroll) Little Boy's Tea Party! ANGLE - KIDS The boys go absolutely wild, jumping and hollering. Clapping is heard from the TV. BOYS (Ad lib) Yeah! Wooo! I knew we'd win! STAN We're in the finals! KYLE We're going to win $10,000! STAN Man, Cartman's going to be famous. INT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT Garrison is drinking at the local bar with most of the townspeople of South Park. MR. GARRISON Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat... MR. HAT Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON Mr. Hat you need to admit you have a drinking problem... Another Cosmo please! Just then, Cartman slams the door open. He's standing in the doorway, eyes fixed on Garrison, looking pissed off. CARTMAN All this time... Why didn't you tell me, father? MR. GARRISON What the hell are you talking about, Eric? CARTMAN It was YOU all along!! Garrison doesn't answer... Perhaps he IS Eric's father! CARTMAN YOU were with my mother the night of the drunken barn dance! JIMBO Garrison?! That's impossible! He's gay! MR. GARRISON I am NOT GAY!! CARTMAN Then you DID sleep with my mom? MR. GARRISON No! JIMBO He's gay! Garrison thinks. He doesn't know what to say. MR. GARRISON Okay, okay! I admit it!! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance!! Cartman's face lights up. MR. GARRISON But Who here DIDN'T?!?! The room is silent. MR. GARRISON Now come on! Honestly, who has NEVER had sex with Mrs. Cartman? Everybody looks to one another. Nobody speaks up... Not even the preacher or Jesus. MAN I haven't! MR. GARRISON You don't count, halfie! You don't have any legs! MAN Oh, yeah. Cartman can't believe it. MR. GARRISON So you see, Eric. Anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know... Cartman puts his head down. JIMBO Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either... (Pause) I mean, I DID know who he was, and, well, we had great times together and huntin' and fishin', but -- well, hell, you know what I mean. Cartman slowly walks out of the bar very sad violin music begins to play. Everyone looks like they genuinely feel bad for Eric. MEPHESTO Wait! Wait! I know a way to find out! CARTMAN How? MEPHESTO At my laboratory! We can do DNA genetic testing! I'll take some of your blood, along with the blood of everyone here and we can determine who your father is!! Cartman looks happy! Everybody else looks worried. CARTMAN REALLY! YOU CAN?! MEPHESTO Yes! Of course... I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny... but... CARTMAN How much? MEPHESTO Three thousand should cover it! CARTMAN I don't have three thousand dollars! MEPHESTO Oh, never mind. Everyone just turns around and starts drinking. ACT III EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY STAN Dude, I can't wait to win that ten thousand dollars on America's stupidest home videos! I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever! KYLE I'm gonna buy a walkman with MY half! Cartman walks up, with his head down. CARTMAN (Very slow and sad) Hey guys. STAN How's it going, Cartman? CARTMAN Oh... Fine. How are you guys? The boys can't believe how mellow and normal Cartman is. KYLE Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? CARTMAN Oh, nothing, it's just -- Nothing... STAN Come on, what's the matter, Cartman? CARTMAN Well, I want to know who my dad is. But to find out, they have to do these DNA tests, and that costs three thousand dollars. I don't have three thousand dollars... Stan and Kyle look at each other. STAN Wow, We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude! CARTMAN Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is. I just have to. Maybe I could work at a sweat shop for a while... Well, see you guys, I'm gonna go play in my back yard for a while... Now Stan and Kyle look really guilty. KYLE Uh... Cartman, we know how we can get you three thousand dollars. CARTMAN You do? STAN Yeah... We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos... And... And if we win, we'll GIVE you three thousand of our ten thousand dollar prize! CARTMAN You will?! WOW!! You guys are the BEST!!! THANKS, YOU GUYS!! STAN Uh... Yeah. EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE Stan and Kyle and Cartman are gathered in front of the television, enthralled. NARRATOR And now back to America's stupidest home videos!! CARTMAN What kind of video did you guys make? STAN Uh... You'll see. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT BOB SAGET Well, it's time to crown the ten thousand dollar winner. Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos. First, it's: Dog who puts hat on master's head! Applause. ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN We see a lame video clip of a little dog. BOB SAGET (High voice) Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. Oh, oh! The dog puts a hat on a bald guy's head. BOB SAGET (High voice) Oh, I've got to put a hat on my master's head, ha, ha! Back in the studio, the audience is laughing wildly. CLOSE UP on one woman in a 3/4 view laughing so hard, she's crying. BOB SAGET And now our second finalist... LITTLE BOY HAS A TEA PARTY!! Applause. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE Cartman's eyes widen. ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN The tape of Cartman comes up, he's pouring tea for Polly Prissypants. CARTMAN (on the monitor) 'Why thank you Polly Prissypants, you are my best friend.' CARTMAN (in Polly voice) Oh thank you Eric. The audience howls with laughter. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE Cartman can't believe it. BOB SAGET Boy, it looks like THIS kid needs some therapy!! Cartman's eyes are HUGE his teeth are clenched. ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN The audience erupts with laughter as little Eric pours tea for his stuffed animals. STAN We're sure to win Cartman! Then you get your DNA money! CARTMAN (Shaking violently) I... AM... SO... PISSED... OFF... RIGHT... NAAAAA!!!! KYLE They laughed hardest at our video! We're gonna win! We're gonna win!! INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY BOB SAGET And finally, our third contestant, 'Young child gets hit by a train'!! ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN The image comes up. Sure enough, it's Kenny, somebody videotaped him trying to get the go-cart started. BOB SAGET (High voice) Oh, I'm such a cute little kid. Hmmm... I wonder if I can get this go-cart started? ANGLE - CARTMAN'S The boys watch on in disbelief. ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN We again see the horrific dragging of Kenny. He stops on the train tracks, checks his head, then gets pummeled by the train. In the TV studio, the audience is laughing hardily. STAN Oh my God! They've videotaped killing Kenny!!! KYLE YOU BASTARDS!!! The audience is still laughing. BOB SAGET Now THAT'S what I call a joy ride! The audience laughs even harder. BOB SAGET And the winner is, naturally... 'little boy being hit by a train'!! Applause. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE STAN Dude! We LOST!! KYLE DAMMIT!!! CARTMAN I... AM... GOING... TO... FUCKING... KILL... YOU GUYS... SERIOUSLY... INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY BOB SAGET Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh. Stan's grandfather stands up in the crowd and waves. GRANDPA I won! I won! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE STAN Grandpa!!! INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY BOB SAGET Our other finalists will have to settle for their three thousand dollar runner up prizes. Well, see you next time! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE KYLE Did you hear that, dude?! We still get three thousand dollars!! That's enough for you to get your DNA tests!! CARTMAN IS CATATONIC CARTMAN KILL... YOU GUYS... KILL YOU GUUUYYYYSSSS!!!!! ACT IV EXT. MEPHESTO'S LAB Establishing. INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB Cartman and his mother are in Mephesto's laboratory, along with most of the men of South Park. MEPHESTO Alright, from everyone's accounts, I have narrowed down Eric's possible father to the people in this room... As Mephesto lists off the names, we see their worried expressions. MEPHESTO Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald BROVLOFSKI, Myself, my friend Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos. The little monkey guy looks worried. The Broncos all look worried, too. STAN Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but goddamn! MEPHESTO The test results are in this envelope... Shall I open it? MR. GARRISON Yes! For God's sake get on with it!! Mephesto opens the envelope and reads the paper inside. His expression grows huge. MEPHESTO The father of Eric Cartman is INDEED someone in this room!! Everybody looks around nervously. MEPHESTO The father is... A drum roll starts. The camera starts to focus on different people in the room. NARRATOR Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it... Chief Running Water?! Chief looks around nervously. NARRATOR Or is it... Chef?! Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? The little monkey guy raises his eyebrows. NARRATOR Or is it Mr. Garrison?! JIMBO No, he's gay! MR. GARRISON You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!! NARRATOR Is it Jimbo? JIMBO Agh! NARRATOR Or is it Officer Barbrady? OFFICER BARBRADY Huh, where? NARRATOR Or could it be Ned. NED Could be. NARRATOR Or Mr. BROVLOFSKI? KYLE Dad! How could you? NARRATOR Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? THE ANSWER IS COMING ON AN ALL NEW SOUTH PARK IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!!! CARTMAN What? Son of a bitch! THE END