"SOUTH PARK" Episode 202 "Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut" Written by Trey Parker and David Goodman ACT I INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB NARRATOR Previously, on 'South Park'... The scene is just as we had left it on episode 113. NARRATOR An air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park gather to find out which one of them fathered this boy -- ANGLE CARTMAN Cartman bites into a doughnut and sips at a drink. NARRATOR Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the end of tonight's episode, you WILL KNOW the answer!! ROLL SOUTH PARK OPENING SEQUENCE EXT. MEPHESTO'S LAB - NIGHT Establishing. INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB Everyone is gathered around in Mephesto's office, waiting in anticipation. MEPHESTO And now... To continue, the father is indeed someone in this room! CARTMAN Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life! Stan and Kyle stand there waiting. Kenny suddenly appears next to them. STAN (Confused) Oh, hey Kenny... Mephesto takes out the card and reads it. MEPHESTO Gentlemen, the father is... Everyone's eyes get big. Music SWELLS. But then, suddenly, the lights go out! MR. GARRISON (In darkness) Hey, what the hell's going on? JIMBO It's a power outage! Suddenly, we hear BANG! BANG! BANG-BANG! The lights come back on, and everyone looks around. CHEF Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gunshot! OFFICER BARBRADY Oh my God! LOOK!! Mephesto is lying on the floor, bleeding from gunshot wounds. KENNY (Oh my God! They've killed Mephesto!) Mph mm Mrm! Mrphph mrph MrphMprhMrph!! KYLE You bastards! MR. GARRISON Mephesto's been shot!! Everyone rushes over to Mephesto's body. CHEF Is he dead?! JIMBO Hey, this window is shot out, too! That means the killer was NOT somebody in this room! MR. GARRISON Then who was it?! Suddenly, the narrator's voice bursts in again. NARRATOR (V.O.) Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? (As pictures fly past) Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it -- CARTMAN Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was! NARRATOR (V.O.) (Pictures continue) Or was it Ms. Broslofsky? Chef is leaning down by Mephesto. CHEF Wait! He's still breathing! He's not dead! A few people help Chef lift up Mephesto and lead him towards the door. Cartman gets in Mephesto's face. CARTMAN GOD DAMMIT! WHO'S MY FATHER?! But Mephesto is not conscious. CHEF We have to get him to the hospital! CARTMAN You've got to be kidding me!!!! CHEF Come on, children! The boys follow Chef out the door. CARTMAN Oh! MR. BROVLOFSKI Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this. Ms. Cartman is standing right next to him. When she hears this, she lowers her head and walks away. JIMBO There's a murderer free in South Park! We have to find out who it is before they kill again! MR. GARRISON Yeah, God only knows who they'll kill next? NARRATOR Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? (Slides again) Barbrady? The Denver Broncos...? INT. CHEF'S CAR - NIGHT Chef drives with Cartman in the front seat and the boys in back, with an unconscious Mephesto in the way back. CARTMAN Is he awake yet? KYLE He's bleeding pretty bad back here. CHEF Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter Birney memorial towel. KYLE What's a Meredith Baxter Birney Memorial towel? CHEF I actually was with Meredith Baxter Birney in this very car, and afterwards, we used that towel to... Wait a minute, why am I telling you this? Meanwhile, Stan is looking incredibly sick. STAN Could you pull over so I can get out? CHEF What? We have to get to the hospital! STAN I have to get out first, I'm not gonna make it. I can't stand hospitals! CHEF Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off, and then we can get out of there, alright? KYLE Man, it's really starting to snow, I hope they don't close the roads. CARTMAN They can't! Mephesto can't die!!! KYLE Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman. CARTMAN No way dude, I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song "Come Sail Away" by Styx. If I hear the first part I have to finish it. Everybody looks at each other, confused. KYLE Really? CARTMAN Yeah. I can't do anything until it's done. KYLE I'm sailingg awayyy... CARTMAN No! Don't! KYLE Set an open course for the Virgin Sea... Kyle stops abruptly. Cartman sits and shakes. He turns red like he's trying desperately to hold back. Finally, his mouth opens and it comes bursting forth. CARTMAN -- Cause I've got to be free to carry on. Duh-dun (and so on) KYLE Woa, dude! EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY Chef's car speeds up the mountain road. A small, single snowflake falls from the sky and lands on the sign that reads 'Hell's Pass Hospital - 35 miles' OMINOUS MUSIC STING. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT Everyone is gathered in the Mayor's Office. She tries to calm them down. JIMBO What are we going to do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!! KYLE'S MOTHER We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety! STAN'S MOTHER Uh... Where are our children? Everyone looks around. MAYOR Officer Barbrady... Let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town. What would HE do? BARBRADY Hmm... That's a good question, Mayor... Let me get right on that with thinking. Barbrady goes into a trance. Suddenly, a crew of people carrying film equipment rush in. DIRECTOR Mayor! Mayor! MAYOR The press is here! DIRECTOR My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for 'America's Most Wanted'. MAYOR You certainly made it up here quickly. DIRECTOR We're desperate for stories. (Catching himself) AND this one is so compelling! MAYOR Really? DIRECTOR Sure! This story has everything! People... furniture... talking... It's a real American story. BARBRADY Hey, I thought of something! (Pause) Er... No wait, that's subtraction... MAYOR (Ignoring this) Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do? JIMBO Mayor, shouldn't we be focusing on -- MAYOR Shh! DIRECTOR We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win. We win. America wins. MAYOR Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous? DIRECTOR Don't worry, Mayor, America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family. CAMERA GUY It is? MAYOR Well, in that case, I guess it's okay. DIRECTOR Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first? Again the Narrator's voice bursts in. NARRATOR WHO WILL THE DIRECTOR CAST FIRST?! WILL IT BE MR. GARRISON? OFFICER BARBRADY? CHEF...? EXT. UNPLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY The snow falls on this small, humble clinic. MS. CARTMAN (V.O.) I want to have an abortion. INT. UNPLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY SOCIAL WORKER Oh, well we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you Mrs... MS. CARTMAN Cartman... Yes, It's such a hard decision. But I just don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world. SOCIAL WORKER Yes, Ms. Cartman, if you don't feel fit to raise a child, an abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception? MS. CARTMAN About eight years ago. The Social Worker looks confused. SOCIAL WORKER I see... So the fetus is... MS. CARTMAN Eight years old. SOCIAL WORKER Ms. Cartman, eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion. MS. CARTMAN Really? SOCIAL WORKER Yes, this is what we would refer to as the FORTIETH trimester. MS. CARTMAN But I just don't think I'm a fit mother. SOCIAL WORKER Well, but we prefer to abort babies a little earlier on. In fact, there's a law against abortions after the second trimester. MS. CARTMAN Well... I think you need to keep your laws off of my body. SOCIAL WORKER Hmmm... I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms. Cartman. If you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your congressman. MS. CARTMAN (A little pissed) Well, then that's EXACTLY what I intend to do! Good day! EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY Chef's car pulls up. Snow is falling heavily. CHEF Come on children, we gotta find a doctor! Stan stops at the door. STAN I can't do it, dude! KYLE Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad. CARTMAN Yeah, stop being a wuss. INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT Chef and the children enter to find a doctor and nurse standing over a patient in the ER. CHEF Doctor! DOCTOR One moment please! NURSE! I need twenty CCs of sodium pentothal, STAT!! The nurse runs over to the surgical tray. She has no arms, however, and must pick up the syringe with her teeth. KYLE Woa, dude, she doesn't have any arms! DOCTOR We're an equal opportunity employer here, son. The nurse spits the syringe into the doctor's hands. CHEF Doctor, we've got a shot cracker outside! DOCTOR I'll be with you right after I inject this man with a long needle. STAN Oh man, I'm gonna be sick... DOCTOR There, there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of. To remove the air from the syringe, the doctor squirts out a long stream of pentothal. STAN UGH! The doctor injects the patient. NURSE GOODLY Oooh, I think you're hitting the bone!! STAN (Turning blue) AAGHH! DOCTOR Yeah, I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside! Sccccrrrreeeee... DOCTOR Oop, he's hemorrhaging! A long, thick arc of blood squirts through the air and hits the ground next to Stan. Now, for absolutely no reason, the patient's head falls off and hits the ground. DOCTOR Oop! His head fell off! STAN I'm gettin' outta here!!! KYLE Stan! DOCTOR Well, some people just have a weak stomach. EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT Establishing. AMW has not set up a little trailer, but a huge complex with a sign: AMERICA'S MOST WANTED: SOUTH PARK HEADQUARTERS INT. AUDITORIUM The Director sits in the dimly lit theatre seats, listening to actors as they audition for parts. A sign on the small stage reads 'America's Most Wanted Auditions' A very average looking man, wearing Mephesto's Hawaiian shirt is on the stage, reading from a script. MEPHESTO ACTOR And the father of Eric Cartman is... BANG! Ugh!! Jimminy! I've been shot!! DIRECTOR Oh, thank you very much, we'll get back to you. The actor leaves. DIRECTOR I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move on to the auditions for the part of... (Looking at papers) Mr... Garrison. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!! A young actor comes out with a sock on his hand. ACTOR Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat. (As Mr. Hat) You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. DIRECTOR Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next! Mr. Garrison walks out. MR. GARRISON I sure hope that I am not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat. (As Mr. Hat) You can say that again Mr. Garrison. DIRECTOR Thank you -- NEXT! MR. GARRISON What? DIRECTOR NEXT! Garrison looks puzzled and walks away. A very good looking actor takes his place. GOOD LOOKING ACTOR I sure hope that I am not Eric Cartman's father Mr. Hat. (As Mr. Hat) You can say that again Mr. Garrison. DIRECTOR PERFECT! YOU GOT IT!! Mr. Garrison exchanges looks with Mr. Hat. DIRECTOR Let's move on to the Chefs! INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ms. Cartman is lying naked in bed with a clean cut gentleman, who is smoking a cigarette. MS. CARTMAN And so you see Congressman O'Riley, that's why I think abortion laws should be changed. CONGRESSMAN Well, all I know is that third trimester abortions are illegal. I don't really know anything about fortieth. MS. CARTMAN But the lady at Unplanned Parenthood said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law. CONGRESSMAN No, No, I think you gotta talk to the Governor about that stuff. MS. CARTMAN Oh dear. EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT We see Chef's car being buried by the heavy snowfall. INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT Chef and Cartman and the boys stand around a bed where Mephesto is lying, hooked up to all kinds of machines. DOCTOR Well, this is about all I can do for him. CARTMAN Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is!! DOCTOR Sorry, son, it might be a while. Cartman jumps up on Mephesto and starts slapping him in the face. CARTMAN WAKE UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!! CHEF WOA! DOCTOR (Pulling him off) Now, son, that's not gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition. CARTMAN I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?! KYLE Hey, Cartman... CARTMAN What? KYLE I'mmmmm sailinngg aw -- Kyle stops. Cartman's eyes grow wide. He starts to shake. CARTMAN ...way set an open course on the Virgin Sea. (continues) STAN Okay, okay. Let's get out of here now. KYLE I don't know if that's gonna be too easy... Kyle is looking out the window, where the blizzard has intensified. Chef's car is completely buried. DOCTOR My God, that's a hell of a storm. STAN Oh, weak... EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS Snow has started to fall in South Park. INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS The director is looking out the window at the falling snow. DIRECTOR God I hate mountains. This better not push back our shooting schedule. Now the director steps back, and we see that he is next to a huge facade of Mephesto's lab. Movie cameras and lights abound. A full cast is on hand, with actors dressed up as all the main characters. DIRECTOR Okay people, let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it. Everyone takes their places. DIRECTOR Who's that? Eric Roberts is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and walking around. ASSISTANT Oh that's T.V.'s Eric Roberts, we were able to get him to play the part of the little monkey guy. DIRECTOR Oooh, talk about washed up, huh? (To Eric, louder) Great to have you, Eric! Eric waves. DIRECTOR Here we go... And... ACTION!! MEPHESTO ACTOR I want to announce who the father is -- DIRECTOR BANG! MEPHESTO ACTOR Oh! I've been shot! BARBRADY ACTOR Nobody move! I'm a law officer! CHEF ACTOR My God... I think he's gone into cardiac arrest. BARBRADY ACTOR You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef. CHEF ACTOR Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are, accuse! Don't hide behind your clever riddles. BARBRADY ACTOR Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man. A man trying to do my job. The South Park townspeople are watching from behind the cameras. OFFICER BARBRADY Woa, this is a good movie! INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT Chef and the boys are sitting in the waiting room, bored, with a plethora of injured people waiting to get attention. Stan looks to his left where a man is holding his stabbed arm with the knife still in it. He grimaces and looks to his right where a woman is bleeding out her jugular. CARTMAN Sail away with meeee!!!! Cartman takes a deep breath, satisfied. STAN Ohhh, dude, when can we get out of here? The doctor rushes in and starts tending to the next patient. JUGULAR WOMAN Doctor! I can't focus! DOCTOR We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now it's just me and Nurse Goodly. Nurse goodly fumbles around for a stethoscope sans arms. CHEF Wait a second, they've closed the pass? DOCTOR Yes. I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked. The patients all look at the doctor with worry. A hush falls over them. DOCTOR (To them) Metaphorically speaking, that is. CARTMAN What about Mephesto?! Are you taking care of him?! DOCTOR He's on full life support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help... So long as the power doesn't go out. The power goes out. Everyone just stands there in complete darkness. DOCTOR Whoof, who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh? ACT II ROLL AMERICA'S MOST WANTED INTRODUCTION SEQUENCE MUSIC. A sequence of chase and arrest scenes, flashing lights and running cops and robbers. NARRATOR Tonight, on America's Most Wanted, a shooter is on the loose in Colorado, and the residents are up in arms! Here's your host John Walsh. JOHN WALSH Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted. Tonight, terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park Colorado when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto was gunned down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructed this heinous crime in hopes that your calls can solve the case. INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB SET - NIGHT Thunder and lightning blast outside as we see all the actors in their respective costumes. MEPHESTO ACTOR I've been shot!! MR. GARRISON ACTOR My God, Mr. Hat, get some help. MR. HAT ACTOR (A tall, handsome actor) Right away, Mr. Garrison. ERIC ROBERTS No! Noo!! My lifetime partner and friend. Gone, taken away in the wink of an eye! Oh, fortune! How you mock me! DIRECTOR What the?! Eric Roberts is improving lines again! CHEF ACTOR I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help me? ERIC ROBERTS This is not a world I want to live in! It is an angry world. DIRECTOR Dammit!! Just then, all the power goes out. EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS A tree has blown over on the power lines. They spark in the falling snow. INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS DIRECTOR What the hell is this?! CAMERA GUY We've lost the feed to L.A.! INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS IN L.A. John Walsh is still standing there, but with all the screens static. JOHN WALSH Uhh... We seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew... So I guess we'll be going to our feature movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. ANNOUNCER Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef? INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS DIRECTOR Somebody go see why we lost the hookup! Just then, the door blows open and snow flies everywhere. JIMBO Holy smokes! That blizzard is gettin' crazy! EXT. HOSPITAL OF DOOM - NIGHT The snow has absolutely buried the hospital. The eerie moonlight makes the place look like something out of 'The Shining' INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT The emergency lights have come on, but are noticeably dimmer. All the patients are screaming and running around in horror. NURSE GOODLY Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running fine. The doctor pops out from the E.R. DOCTOR Nurse! I could use some help in here! NURSE GOODLY Coming! But as the nurse heads towards the doctor, Cartman steps in front of her. CARTMAN Lady, is Mephesto going to be okay? NURSE GOODLY Yes... For now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short. DOCTOR Nurse, PLEASE! I need another pair of HANDS in here!! (Beat) Oh... Sorry. INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - NIGHT In a very immaculate bedroom, Ms. Cartman is again lying naked next to a naked older looking man. MS. CARTMAN Don't you see, Govenor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want one. GOVENOR Mmm... I don't know I might need some more convincing. He rolls over and puts his arm around her. MS. CARTMAN I mean, what right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should have thought of that before having sex... Then again... Oh, I just don't know! INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT Stan and Kyle are back with Chef, who is talking to the doctor. DOCTOR Please, Mr. Chef, I have over a hundred people to tend to here, and only myself and Nurse Goodly. CHEF What do you want me to do? DOCTOR Do you know anything about surgery? CHEF I used to watch Quincy. DOCTOR WHAT?! Why the hell didn't you say so! Put on some scrubs!! The doctor turns to the boys. DOCTOR Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors! You can help us save these people's lives! Stan gets a very, very worried look on his face. STAN No way, dude! EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT The snow is piled high all around America's Most Wanted. Everything is absolutely covered. INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS Jimbo opens the front door. A huge mound of snow rushes in, and blowing snow flies in his face. JIMBO Well, we're not going anywhere for a long time. DIRECTOR We're snowed in? MAYOR Yes... We're TRAPPED. MR. GARRISON Like sailors on a submarine. Garrison looks at the Director. MAYOR My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Ohh, I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since breakfast. OFFICER BARBRADY Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry too. JIMBO I hope you all realize what we might be facing here... Everyone looks at Jimbo. JIMBO Our only option might be to EAT EACH OTHER to stay alive! MUSIC STING. Everybody GASPS. DIRECTOR Uhh... It's only been like four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism a little quickly? JIMBO That's the law of the land, Mr. Director. I know it ain't pretty, but if a few of us might die so that the rest can stay alive so be it. MAYOR But how do we decide... who? JIMBO Well, we draw straws. DIRECTOR (Hysterical) Now wait a minute! We all had a big breakfast, can't you people go without eating for a little -- JIMBO CALM DOWN, SOLDIER!! WE NEED EVERY PERSON HERE TO KEEP HIS HEAD!! Barbrady, fetch some straws. DIRECTOR Well who the hell made you the boss anyway?! Jimbo opens his mouth to answer, when -- ANNOUNCER Who the hell made Jimbo Boss? Was it Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Garrison? INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT The doctor is standing over a patient, who is lying on an operating table. DOCTOR This man's appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now, with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me. Chef and the boys are wearing scrubs and holding their hands in the air. Stan is absolutely green with nausea. DOCTOR Okay. Nurse Goodly will take care of anaesthesia. Chef, you'll act as her arms. Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready? STAN No. DOCTOR Okay, first I'll make an incision on the chest over the heart. STAN Oh, boy. We see the scalpel cut open a good sized hole. Blood pours out. Stan immediately pulls his mask off and barfs directly into the patient's chest. KYLE Dude, you barfed into the incision! CARTMAN Sweet! DOCTOR (Jumping up and down) Suction! Kenny pulls the suction cup over the incision. SSSSLLLUURRPP. Suddenly, the lights begin to dim. CARTMAN Hey, who's screwing with the lights?! The narrator pops up. NARRATOR Who IS screwing with the lights? (Pictured:) Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos? CARTMAN That is really starting to piss me off. INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS Everyone is gathered around and drawing straws from Officer Barbrady. JIMBO Alright, so far everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing... Jimbo pulls his straw out... It's pretty long. He sighs relief. Mr. Garrison pulls his straw out... It's pretty long. He sighs relief. The Mayor pulls a straw... It's pretty long. She sighs relief. Barbrady is left with the last piece... He opens his hand... And there's ANOTHER long piece of straw. JIMBO Whew! MR. GARRISON Whew! OFFICER BARBRADY Whew! JIMBO Wait a minute... Where the hell is the short one? OFFICER BARBRADY The short what? JIMBO Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws you're supposed to have one of 'em short, that's how you decide who loses! Barbrady thinks. OFFICER BARBRADY That's not how I played it. MR. GARRISON Ugh... Could we hurry this up, my stomach's growling! INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT The doctor enters with large blueprints of the hospital. Dim back up lights are flickering. DOCTOR I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator! He rolls out the blueprints. DOCTOR Apparently they built a large, self- sustaining generator for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital! CHEF So how do we get to it? DOCTOR We must split up into two teams. Team A and Team B. Everyone gathers around and listens closely. DOCTOR Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny. Kenny's eyes grow wide. DOCTOR (To Kenny) Now listen closely, team B. Your goal will be turn on the backup generator. To do this, you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct. He points to these various areas on the blueprint. DOCTOR Meanwhile, team A will go to the holding area... HERE. Where there is a television and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. Kenny looks suspicious. DOCTOR By that time, team B (remember, that's you Kenny) should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors HERE. Kenny panics. DOCTOR Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view through THIS window, of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then you can proceed down into the generator and power it on. Are there any questions? CARTMAN No, that sounds pretty sweet to me. DOCTOR Right then, let's DO IT!! GO TEAM!!! KENNY Hmph? EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS Everyone is lying on the dimly lit floor, looking as if they haven't eaten for weeks. MR. GARRISON C... Can't go on... S-So H-hungry... MAYOR We're all going to die in this horrible place. JIMBO We have to have energy to make it through the night... We have to eat. DIRECTOR How can we? How could we live with ourselves? JIMBO There's only one answer... Eat Eric Roberts. Eric Roberts panics. MAYOR Yes... Of course. Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts. MR. GARRISON Eat Eric Roberts... ERIC ROBERTS No! Everybody closes in on Eric Roberts. ERIC ROBERTS No, PLEASE!! ACT III INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS Eric Roberts, now nothing but a carcass, lies off to the side. Everyone is quietly huddled around the fire. MAYOR Well, there's no going back now... We're cannibals. God save us. JIMBO God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight! ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Well, I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicer than I expected. DIRECTOR Aw! MR. GARRISON This snow just isn't letting up. We're going to die here, I know it. JIMBO What time is it, Barbrady? BARBRADY (Checking his watch) It's almost midnight. MR. GARRISON Oh, I can't go on... JIMBO We'll give the storm another hour. After that... We might have to eat again... DRAMATIC MUSIC. DIRECTOR What?! Christ, are you people diabetic or something?! EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT Kenny crawls out of a small duct, covered with sewage. The horrible storm blows around him in all directions, Kenny can barely see. The doctor's voice blasts over Kenny's walkie talkie. DOCTOR Team B... Come in, Team B. KENNY Mph mh mphm B. DOCTOR Listen, Team B, we've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice, heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through all that sewage. Kenny looks down at his sewage covered body. KENNY (Pissed) Mph rmph rm rmphm!!! DOCTOR Oh... Well forget I said that then. Listen, team B, you should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left... KENNY Mph, mpmh mphmh mm. Kenny spots the snow covered backup generator. DOCTOR Good heads towards it, Team A out. CARTMAN What if Mephesto never wakes up and I never find out who my father is? Little Kenny bravely treads through the deep snow, just as the shadow of a velocoraptor runs by with a cry. EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS Everyone appears to be eating somberly. We see Eric Roberts's nearly skeletal corpse, and next to it, the corpses of the director and his assistant. The Mayor forks over some meat off of the assistant director. MAYOR My God what a harrowing tale of human drama this is! All of us doing what we must to survive. JIMBO It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids nobody knows how they built those. Or who. NARRATOR Who built the pyramids? Was it the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans? INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT Everyone is gathered around Mephesto's bed. The power appears to still be draining, as the lights dim, and electrical sounds wurr down... EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR KENNY (On his walkie) Mmmph mmm mph. INT. HOSPITAL DOCTOR Roger Team B. He's reached the backup generator. Team B can you see the two copper nodes? EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR KENNY (On his walkie) Mmmph mmm mph. INT. HOSPITAL DOCTOR Good, now is there a wire connecting them? EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR KENNY Mmm npm. INT. HOSPITAL DOCTOR Damn. The wire connecting the nodes is gone. We need to complete the circuit between them or we're screwed. KYLE Do you have any wire here? DOCTOR There's no time. Once these lights flicker out. All the patients on life support are going to die. EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR KENNY Mrmp mmme mrph. INT. HOSPITAL DOCTOR No Kenny you can't. There must be some other way. He's going to make the connection himself with his hands. KYLE No, he'll die! CARTMAN Go Kenny. DOCTOR Kenny... Nooooooo...... EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR Kenny connects the lines with his hands and we see him light up like a Christmas tree. INT. HOSPITAL STAN Oh my God they've killed Kenny! KYLE You bastards! Suddenly the power comes on!!! CHEF The power!! DOCTOR Quickly, get the scanner running again!! Everybody converges on Mephesto. DOCTOR We've got a chance, now!! EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE ESTABLISHING INT. PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM PRESIDENT Well okay Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize fortieth trimester abortions for you. MS. CARTMAN Oh thank you, thank you. PRESIDENT We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately. MS. CARTMAN Terminated? PRESIDENT Oh yes, that's what an abortion is. MS. CARTMAN Oh no, I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do. What's that other "A" word? PRESIDENT Adoption? MS. CARTMAN Yes, that's what I mean. Adoption. PRESIDENT Well that's pretty different. MS. CARTMAN Oh I should just tell my son the truth about everything myself. Good day Mr. President. EXT. SOUTH PARK The sun begins to rise. All over South Park, we see snow slowly melting as the sun's rays drift over the land. A few birds come out and start singing as the light shows us the town of South Park, half buried in snow. INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT Mephesto's room, now lit by sunlight seems much more pleasant. DOCTOR Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting and your friend Mephesto is doing fine. Just then, Mephesto blinks his eyes open. MEPHESTO Where... Where am I? CHEF You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Now we don't know who tried to shoot you, but -- MEPHESTO Oh, I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month. CHEF Oh. DOCTOR Where is the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto is awake. CHEF He went off looking for Mr. Kenny. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY Cartman, Stan and Kyle are on their knees in the snow. STAN He was a good friend, and I'll miss him. KYLE He was very brave... He risked his life so that Mephesto could live. CARTMAN Yeah, and now he's a freezie-pop. Now we see that Kenny is standing in front of the boys, frozen like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. STAN Dude, do you think if we hit him with a shovel he'd shatter? KYLE I dunno, let's find out. EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS A shovel appears through the snow. Jimbo squeezes his way out and takes a deep breath of the crisp, morning air. One by one, the townspeople all step out of the building and look up at the warm sun. MR. GARRISON Oh, it's over... We're free! OFFICER BARBRADY Yes. But at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost? A guilty hush falls over everyone. JIMBO Listen everybody, we did what we had to in there. MAYOR But... How will we live with ourselves now? NED One day at a time, Mayor... One day at a time. The camera PULLS BACK up and over the snow capped mountains as Aaron Neville sings 'Ave Maria' AARON NEVILLE Aaaa... Ve Mariiiiii-aaaaa... MR. GARRISON Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag, does anybody else want some? FADE OUT: EPILOGUE INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY Everyone is gathered in Mephesto's room much like they were in the very first scene. MEPHESTO I'm glad you all could come... I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is... But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life... CARTMAN JUST TELL US ALREADY!!! MEPHESTO Alright, Alright, Alright. The father of Eric Cartman is... Say did anybody see that Terrance & Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing ever? CARTMAN Goddamnit! Tell me who my father is! Everyone looks around nervously. MEPHESTO Alright, as I said before, the father is somebody in this room... The father is -- Cartman's eyes grow wide. MEPHESTO MRS. CARTMAN!!!! HUGE STING - Everybody gasps, then looks confused. CHEF What?! MS. CARTMAN Yes... It's true. MR. GARRISON No, that doesn't make sense. MEPHESTO Yes, it took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite. MR. GARRISON Meaning what? MEPHESTO Meaning that she has both male and female genitals. MS. CARTMAN It's true. Everybody looks sick. Cartman's head is reeling. CHEF You mean that at the drunken barn dance... When we all got together with her she was a HE? MEPHESTO No, no, not exactly, but she did have a penis. Everybody in the room throws up. MEPHESTO The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Ms. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that SHE is his father. And she got another woman pregnant at the drunken barn dance. CARTMAN Oh man this is fuckin' weak!! STAN DUDE, you're a big fat ass, AND your mom's a hermaphlight!! MS. CARTMAN I'm sorry I never told you, Eric. I just thought maybe it would be a little shocking to you. CARTMAN (Sarcastic) Oh wow, gee wiz you think so Ma?! MEPHESTO Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing. Everybody starts walking away, dazed. CARTMAN No No! Wait a minute! If she's my dad, then who's my mom? Pause... NARRATOR Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it -- Ms. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor? CARTMAN OH FORGET IT!! THE END