"SOUTH PARK" Episode 203 "Chickenlover" Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and David Goodman ACT I EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY The Booktastic Bus, a rainbow colored bookmobile, is parked out in front of the school. GARRISON Okay, children. Each of you gets to choose two books from the booktastic bus. CARTMAN Reading sucks ass. GARRISON Eric! Shut up! The boys are looking at a wide selection of books that adorn the shelves of the bookmobile. KYLE Boring... Boring... Gay... Boring... Boring. Stan digs at the front of the bookmobile. STAN Hey you guys, check out these books. The other boys join him. STAN (reading the cover) 'Sabrina Unchained'. The boys all grab books in the Sabrina series. KYLE Wow, these books look cool! The boys open them. Their eyes grow wide. CARTMAN (Flipping through) Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books! KENNY Mrm pr mpm rpm rpmrp! Just then the Bookmobile driver, a fruity little guy wearing a rainbow shirt, notices them. BOOKMOBILE DRIVER Hello kids! I see you're discovering the magic of reading! KYLE Who are you? BOOKMOBILE DRIVER I drive the booktastic bus! Where magic begins! You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you. You can take a canoe down the Amazon, or go back in time to Camelot, or become a race car driver... all by just opening a book. Just like magic! The magic of reading! CARTMAN God, shut up, dude. BOOKMOBILE DRIVER Go ahead and pick any books you like. Then give in... Give in to the magic! He skips away. STAN If we read are we gonna become like that guy? KYLE Yeah, this is stupid. Books aren't magical. CARTMAN I don't know, I'm kind of getting a tingly feeling looking at these... Cartman is looking at Sabrina Unchained. The boys hear some commotion from across the street. It's a loud, screaming chicken, followed by some screams. KENNY Mph mmph? STAN I don't know. Let's go see. EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - EST. INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - DAY Barbrady is driving in his car as a COPS film crew shoots him. Everything is shot in COPS style. A TITLE at the bottom reads 'Officer Barbrady South Park P.D.' BARBRADY Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things. It's a hard job, but then again, I'm a hard man. A lot of people think that in a small town there isn't a lot for the law to do, well, they're wrong. EXT. CUTAWAY OF BARBRADY'S CAR RADIO All units, all units, report to 254 Avenue De Los Mexicanos. INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - MOVING RADIO ...Possible hostile situation. Barbrady throws on his lights and speeds away. BARBRADY There! You see! This could be a bank robbery! Or possibly even a MURDER! This ain't no podunk little town! RADIO And Barbrady, your wife called she wants you to get some pizza on the way home. BARBRADY God dammit! EXT. RANCH - DAY Title "Hostile Situation Downtown South Park". The boys have already joined an angry crowd that has gathered around a chicken cage. Barbrady pulls up in his car, followed by the COPS camera crew. BARBRADY Okay people, move along! There's nothing to see here! Barbrady gets up to the rancher. BARBRADY What's the trouble? Where's the body?! RANCHER Barbrady! I just caught some guy in here having sex with one of my chickens!! Barbrady looks kind of embarrassed. He glances at the cops crew. BARBRADY Uh... Oh. The Rancher points to the cage. Inside, is a normal looking chicken, eating some feed. WOMAN My God! That's disgusting! STAN Whoa dude! How do you have sex with a chicken! BARBRADY Boys! You move along, this isn't for young eyes to see! The boys don't move. BARBRADY Did you get a good look at the suspect? RANCHER Naw I didn't see anything! It just happened so fast. The COPS crew roll their eyes. BARBRADY Well, this is quite interesting, huh guys? COPS CAMERAGUY Uhh, we're gonna go grab some lunch and maybe get some shots of those turtles down at the pond. The Cops crew walks away. Barbrady is bummed. BARBRADY Aw, camel poo. KYLE Hey, what's this? Kyle picks up a piece of paper off the ground. STAN It look's like a note. BARBRADY (grabbing the note) Give me that! That's a clue and you'll get your stinky DNA all over it! RANCHER What does it say? Over Barbrady's shoulder, we can see that it reads: Another chicken gets it tomorrow! Barbrady looks at the note and studies it for a second. He appears to have trouble focusing on it. BARBRADY Uh... it says... Uh... Sorry I had sex with a chicken, I won't do it again. Bye-bye." Barbrady folds the note and puts it away. BARBRADY Well, there you have it. Case closed. RANCHER Damnit Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you? Every time something happens in this town you say, 'nothing to see here', and 'case closed'. But we want justice! We have to find this sick-o. BARBRADY I said return to you homes! Before I start arresting people! PRIEST For what? ORDERLY conduct! BARBRADY How about fishing without a license? RANCHER I'm not fishing!!! BARRBADY What do you call this then? Barbrady pulls out a fishing pole from behind him. BARBRADY If you do not comply, I'll be forced to execute each and every one of you by gunshot to the head!!! The crowd disperses, one by one. BARBRADY That's right, return to your simple lives, just forget this ever happened. Forget... FOR-GET... Finally everyone but the boys is gone, and Barbrady walks off. KYLE Wow... Barbrady sure is acting weird. STAN Yeah, I wonder what's wrong. EXT. BARBRADY'S CAR - PARKED - EST. Barbrady get's in the front seat and slams the door behind him. INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - PARKED We see his point of view as he looks at the note found on the ground. It is written in Greek. Barbrady sighs deeply, then crumples up the note and speeds off. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Barbrady pulls up to a familiar red Stop sign. He looks at it. It has Klingon letters on it. EXT. FRAN'S DRIVE-THRU Barbrady pulls up to the speaker. SPEAKER Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you? Barbrady looks at the menu. From his POV, the letters seem to be twisting and turning incoherently. They don't make any sense. SPEAKER Sir, can I help you? The letters come to life, they seem to laugh at Barbrady. BARBRADY Uh... Just give me two cheeseburgers and some jalapeno poppers. SPEAKER Sure, there's just one problem. OFFICER BARBRADY What's that? SPEAKER We're a bank. Sure enough, right on top of the speaker is a sign that says in big letters "Fran's National Bank". BARBRADY I know that, smarty-pants! What, do you think I'm some kind of idiot? SPEAKER Yes. Barbrady thinks for a moment. BARBRADY Hmm. Finally, he speeds off. INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - DRIVING BARBRADY I can't go on living this lie! INT. TELEVISION A graphic of scared chickens is beside the anchor's head. ANCHOR With chicken after chicken being violated, the South Park police are under increasing pressure to solve the case of the chickenfucker. We now go live to a press conference where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor are fielding questions -- INT. POLICE STATION Barbrady stands behind a podium with mics in his face. REPORTER Officer Barbrady, what would drive a man to such a disgusting act? BARBRADY Well, nobody can say for sure. No motive has yet been established. REPORTER Do the police have any leads? BARBRADY Well, both 3-D computer modelling and intensive seismology have not given us any leads as of yet. REPORTER #2 But has chickenfucker left any clues at the crime -- ? BARBRADY ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I CAN'T READ!!! Silence. Barbrady's voice reverberates for a second. Everyone else stands in shock. BARBRADY There I said it! I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed and now you all know my terrible secret!! I'm illegitimate!! I'M NOT FIT TO BE A POLICEMAN!! I RETIRE!!! Barbrady storms off Silence. Nobody says anything. MAN Okay, thank you all for coming. There's coffee and brownies out front. ANGLE - TELEVISION ANCHOR And so, Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence. And South Park will have to manage without any police force for a while -- A brick suddenly lands on the anchor's desk. He reads off it. ANCHOR -- This just in! South Park has just plunged into TOTAL ANARCHY!! Exactly 2 seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady, looting and pillaging erupted in the quiet mountain town! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Once again the town is being destroyed. Only this time, it is by the citizens themselves. Buildings are on fire. Women and men booze it up. Cars crash into buildings. TOWNSPERSON Whoopeee! This is killer!! TOWNSMAN With no cops around, we can do whatever we want! The boys are watching the South Park riots from across the street. KYLE Woa, dude, what's going on? STAN I don't know. Some random people overturn a car. It lands on top of Kenny. STAN OH MY GOD!! THEY'VE KILLED -- But then, the overturned car door opens, and Kenny walks out, brushing himself off. STAN Oh, never mind. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE The mayor is looking out the window at the chaos. MAYOR I don't believe it... All this time Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful. ASSISTANT #2 Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot... MAYOR He is... Suddenly, all the reporters break into the Mayor's office. REPORTER Mayor! What do you plan to do about the South Park riots? MAYOR (holding up her hands) No reason for concern. I want to assure all of you -- that Officer Barbrady is STILL our active police force. REPORTER But he's illiterate. What do you plan to do? MAYOR Uh, plan? I don't actually -- The Mayor's assistant pops in frame and answers for her. ASSISTANT Reading classes. Plain and simple. By the Mayor's order, Officer Barbrady is on a temporary leave of absence to learn to read. Effective immediately. MAYOR Yes, that's right. It's back to school with Officer Barbrady! EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing. INT. CLASSROOM Garrison stands at the head of the class. MR. GARRISON Now children, we have a new student joining us today. Please say hi to Officer Barbrady. Barbrady is sitting in the middle of the kids, sticking out like a sore thumb. STAN (Behind Barbrady) I can't see, dude! MR. GARRISON Okay, now since our focus has been on reading, let's review some of the basics. Barbrady raises his hand. MR. GARRISON Yes, what is it? OFFICER BARBRADY I need to go poopies. Garrison thinks. MR. GARRISON Officer Barbrady, in school we go to the bathroom before and after class. OFFICER BARBRADY Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?! GARRISON Now, does anyone have any suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady? KYLE How about a brain transplant? GARRISON Now Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive. Now, I'm going to write a sentence, and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it. Garrison writes a sentence on the blackboard; 'Oprah Winfrey has huge knockers.' MR. GARRISON Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady. OFFICER BARBRADY Uh... O... O... MR. GARRISON BZZZT!!! WRONG!! Try again, dumbass!! Garrison slaps his knee and laughs. GARRISON (drying his eyes) Okay, okay... Maybe we should try something a little easier. We can work our way up to the hard ones -- He writes 'The hat is red.' on the board. GARRISON Go ahead, Barbrady. Don't be scared. BARBRADY Uh....... O..... GARRISON BZZZZZ!!!!! DER!! DID YOU HEAR THAT MR. HAT?!!! MR. HAT I SURE DID MR. GARRISON!!! WHAT A RETARD!!! Garrison laughs so hard he falls on the floor. He just laughs and laughs and laughs. OFFICER BARBRADY Did you kids actually learn how to read this way? STAN No, we just fake it to shut him up. Garrison is up at the front, still laughing and tearing up. MR. GARRISON Okay, okay, I'm sorry... I'm sorry..Let's try again... EXT. SOUTH PARK - FARM Three chickens are in their coop, bawking quietly. Then, a human shadow falls over the chickens as the door the coop opens. The chickens look over and rustle their feathers. VOICE (O.S.) Say... What are nice chickens like you doing in a coop like this? ACT II EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY The kids and Barbrady sit in their desks. MR. GARRISON Now children, I hope you all had a good time reading your books, and are prepared for your book reports. Cartman looks around nervously. MR. GARRISON Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? Let's see... CARTMAN (Throwing his voice) Oh, how about Stan? Or Kyle? MR. GARRISON Eric, why don't you go first. CARTMAN Ooh... MR. GARRISON What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again? CARTMAN I'm prepared! Cartman storms to the front. CARTMAN (Hands behind back) For my book report, I read 'The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe'. It was very very good. Have you read it Mr. Garrison? MR. GARRISON No, I can't say that I have. CARTMAN (Lighting up) Oh, good! (Happily) In 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe', a bunch of, uh, hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical... camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it, I give it a B minus. Cartman smiles broadly. MR. GARRISON And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down. CARTMAN Aw, DAMMIT! The kids all laugh merrily. MR. GARRISON Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report? Barbrady walks up to the front. OFFICER BARBRADY I have just finished reading the heart warming novel 'Go Dog Go'. I found it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche'. If I may read a passage: Barbrady pulls out the book. OFFICER BARBRADY (Reading) Big dog..... Little dog..... A red dog..... On a..... The kids blink. OFFICER BARBRADY Well, anyway, I don't want to give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist turn that parallels my own life. Barbrady heads back to his desk. MR. GARRISON Thank you, Officer Barbrady, that was a very good book report, indeed. I'll give you an A. OFFICER BARBRADY Hooray!! CARTMAN (Quietly, to Barbrady) Goodie two-shoes!! EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY PAN along the playground, where all the children are enjoying various activities. SETTLE on the swingset, where Barbrady and Kenny and a little girl are swinging. BARBRADY (Singing) Swingset, swingset up and down I go... Whoosh goes the willy wind blowing through my toes... Stan, Kyle and Cartman stand off to the side, tossing a red ball back and forth. STAN Dude, I think Officer Barbrady enjoys being at school at little too much. KYLE Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read? Barbrady swings higher on the swingset, higher. BARBRADY SWINGSET! SWINGSET! UP AND DOWN I GOOO!!!! Suddenly, the Mayor and her assistants walk in. MAYOR OFFICER BARBRADY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Suddenly, Barbrady stops swinging. The force of the sudden stop causes Kenny to fly out of his swing, and smash into a brick wall. STAN Oh, my God! They killed -- Kenny gets up and waves it off. STAN Oh, never mind. MAYOR Well, how's the reading coming along?! OFFICER BARBRADY Oh, pretty good... MAYOR Barbrady... We really need you to speed this up. The chickenfucker struck again last night. KYLE Oh, no! BARBRADY Oh Mayor please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the Chicken LOVER. ASSISTANT This time he made love to Carla Weathers prize chicken. She's catatonic OFFICER BARBRADY Who, Carla Weathers or the chicken? MAYOR The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene. BARBRADY I can't read this, it has silent e's. The Mayor gets in Barbrady's face. MAYOR You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady! BARBRADY I'm doing the best I can!! I even got an A on my book report! MAYOR Listen, buddy, either you learn to read QUICK or else I'm going to find a law officer to replace you FOREVER!! The Mayor and her assistants walk off. While leaving, one of the assistants grabs the red ball from the boys and pops it. The boys look sad. ASSISTANT #2 Hey, What'd ya do that for? ASSISTANT Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry. They all leave. Barbrady looks sad as the other boys gather around him. BARBRADY Oh boy, I am in big trouble... I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos. STAN It's cool dude, we'll help you. BARBRADY Hey, that's right... You CAN help me!! Under Article 39 section 2 of Police code, I am allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis. Cartman eyes light up! CARTMAN REALLY? I wanna be a cop! BARBRADY You boys will be my deputies, you can help me restore order, catch the chickenlover, and swing me on the swingset. CARTMAN Do I get a nightstick?! BARBRADY Sure, nightsticks for everybody!! Barbrady throws Cartman his night stick. BARBRADY You keep a tab on crime in the city, and we'll try to solve the chickenlover case! CARTMAN 10-4, Sergeant! Cartman dashes off. BARBRADY Now, what did that clue say again? STAN 'If you want to know where I'll strike next, read Bumbly Wumbly And the Spotted Spacecraft'! BARBRADY To the Booktastic bus, deputies! We haven't a moment to spare! BOYS Hooray!! EXT. BOOKMOBILE - DAY Establishing. INT. BOOKMOBILE The boys burst in. BOOKMOBILE DRIVER Good day good friends! Welcome to the magical world of reading. BARBRADY We need a copy of "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft" right away! BOOKMOBILE DRIVER Ooooow! That's a very magical book, full of wondrous -- BARBRADY Aw, just give us the damn book, fruitcake! The driver hands over the book. Barbrady opens it. KYLE What's it say? BARBRADY It says 'Mah... Mah...' Uh, what's this word? STAN I. BARBRADY Oh yeah, 'I... Mah... Mah...' KYLE Here give me that. (Reading) 'I am Bumbly Wumbly, I live in the pond'. STAN A pond. Hey, maybe that means Stark's Pond. BARBRADY That's quick thinking, deputy! Let's get to Stark's pond immediately! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Starsky and Hutch THEME MUSIC kicks in as Cartman comes driving in a BIG-WHEEL cop car. Cartman puts on some shades as he drives down the street, chewing gum and feeling ultra cool. Suddenly, a nice car speeds past him. CARTMAN Hey! Cartman hits the uplights and sirens. The car pulls over. Cartman gets out of the Big wheel, pulls up his pants and approaches the car. He knocks on the window with his billy club. Stan's dad rolls it down. STAN'S DAD Yes Officer? CARTMAN I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there. Do you know what the speed limit is here? STAN'S DAD Well according to that sign right there, it's 40 miles an hour. Sure enough, there is a sign right in front of them that reads 'SPEED LIMIT 40 MILES AN HOUR.' CARTMAN Step out of the car please, sir. STAN'S DAD (Stepping out) Wait a second, aren't you Stan's little friend? CARTMAN Sir, step out of the car please. STAN'S DAD Yeah! You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house. CARTMAN AY! I'm a COP! And you WILL respect my authority. STAN'S DAD (laughs) Yeah right! You better get back to school, little boy. Cartman takes out his nightstick. CARTMAN GET YOUR ASS TO JAIL! Suddenly, Cartman smacks Stan's Dad in the knee with his nightstick. STAN'S DAD Ow!!! Hey what the hell are you doing? You can't do that!... Ow! CARTMAN Sweet. Cartman starts beating Stan's dad senseless. EXT. STARK'S POND - NIGHT A small crowd has gathered around a solitary chicken that looks completely normal and eats feed. BARBRADY Oh weak, dude, we're too late! STAN Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind. PRIEST Well this is terrible. Now who would have sex with a chicken? HALFIE I would! Everyone looks over. MR. GARRISON You couldn't screw anything, halfie! You don't have any legs!! HALFIE Oh... yeah. Halfie walks on his arms away. The priest calls after him. PRIEST Have some respect for people's feelings! Would ya Halfie? Kyle, Stan and Barbrady run up. BARBRADY Come on, dudes, we need to look for another clue. Kyle starts searching the ground. Stan follows. KYLE Here! Here!! I found one! STAN What's it say? What's it say?!!! KYLE It says read 'Teetle the Timid Taxa... Taxa..' the Taxi... What's this word? STAN I don't know. Kyle turns to Barbrady. BARBRADY (struggling to read) 'T...Ta....Ta... TAXIDERMIST!! Everyone gasps. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC blows, Barbrady looks extremely proud of himself. A few townspeople applaud. BARBRADY I read it! I read it all by myself! Everyone CHEERS. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Video style footage of Cartman on his Big Wheel. *NOTE - All of the following scene should parody COPS. CARTMAN Yeah, I've been working this beat for about three days now... You definitely have to have pretty thick skin, or else these people they just walk all over you. Sometimes you have to go undercover to get the worst of 'em. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT Cartman is standing in the street, still in COP gear, but with a pink skirt around his waist. He is walking up and down the street pretending to be a hooker. A title comes up 'Prostitution Sting 9:42 p.m. westside.'. Finally a car comes pulling up. MAN Hi there, little lady. CARTMAN Well hi there. What are you doing tonight? MAN Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous. Is twenty dollars enough? CARTMAN Sir, step out of the car please. MAN What? Oh oh, is this a bust? CARTMAN Sir, step out of the car. The guy gets out. MAN Hey wait a minute... You're just a KID! CARTMAN Maybe THIS will teach you to listen to AUTHORITY!!! Cartman smacks the guy in the shins. MAN OWWWW!!!... Owwww. Hey man, what are you doing? Owww, stop it. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Cartman's back on his big wheel. CARTMAN (To camera) Yeah, sometimes upholding the law is messy. But you get by... FADE TO TITLE 'CARTMAN' written like 'COPS' CARTMAN ...One day at a time. FADE OUT: ACT III EXT. LIBRARY - NIGHT Establishing. TOWNSPERSON I got a TV. Shhhh come on. INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT Barbrady is alone at a large desk with a huge book in front of him. BARBRADY (Reading) Teetle the timid Taxidermist... Loves to... (to himself) Oh, God damn reading is lame! Stan and Kyle walk up. KYLE How's it going, dude? BARBRADY Terrible. I give up. I'm not fit to be a cop!! Barbrady breaks down crying. STAN Come on dude, it's not that hard! BARBRADY IT IS TOO!! KYLE Just read the sentence. BARBRADY Teetle the Timid taxidermist, loves to go to the pet -- pet -- KYLE Come on, dumbass, you can do it! BARBRADY Pet... Wait a minute... A flashback balloon of Mr. Garrison pops up. MR. GARRISON Conjugate the verb... Conjugate the verb. MR. HAT Yes, conjucate the verb. DRAMATIC MUSIC! Barbrady stands up. BARBRADY PetTING. PETTING ZOO. He loves to go to the petting zoo!! Boys! We're off!! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT Cartman is driving his big wheel down the street. (Everything is shot from a 'passenger' seat POV) A small TITLE reads "Dep. Eric Cartman Street Patrol". Suddenly, a crackling comes over the radio. RADIO All units, all units 512 at 635 Avenue De Los Mexicanos, request assistance... Cartman hits his lights and drives faster down the street. EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE Now the TITLE changes to 'Domestic Disturbance 4:38 pm Lower East Side'. Cartman walks up to the door and knocks on it with his nightstick. The door opens to reveal Kenny's father. CARTMAN Sir, could you step out of the car please? KENNY'S DAD We're fine, officer. The video camera ZOOMS IN to reveal that Kenny's Dad has a black eye. CARTMAN And, uh, who, who's in here with you? KENNY'S DAD Just me and my wife and my brother, and my wife's cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids -- Kenny and his brother appear in the doorway. KENNY Mrph mrmmh mremm. KENNY'S DAD -- and my brother's girlfriend's mother and this guy Bob who I met last year. CARTMAN (To camera) Poor people tend to live in clusters. KENNY'S DAD What, what did you say? CARTMAN Nothing. Now, sir, is there some kind of -- Suddenly, Kenny's mom appears in the doorway. KENNY'S MOTHER I WANT HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE! HE AIN'T WORTH A (BEEP) HE CAN'T EVEN HOLD A (BEEEP) JOB!! KENNY'S DAD SHUT UP, BITCH! Kenny looks at his mother. CARTMAN Okay, let's try to watch the language. There's children present here. KENNY'S MOTHER YOU LAZY ASS MOTHER(BEEEP)! KENNY'S DAD LOOK WHAT SHE DID TO MY (BEEEP)ING EYE!!! KENNY'S MOTHER I'LL DO IT AGAIN! Kenny's mom smacks his dad in the eye. Kenny laughs his ass off. KENNY'S BROTHER Mom hit dad again. CARTMAN (To camera) Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. (To parents) RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!! Cartman hauls off and starts beating the crap out of both of them. Kenny's mother and father YELL and SCREAM as they get pummeled IN THE SHINS with Cartman's vengeful stick. Kenny and his brother laughs hysterically. Just then, a voice blasts over Cartman's radio. RADIO ALL UNITS! ALL UNITS!! WE HAVE A 5- 20 ON THE SUSPECT! REPORT TO THE SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO IMMEDIATELY!! CARTMAN (To himself) Chickenlover... EXT. SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO PAN along the animals, all of which are being petted by children, who all look completely bored. The Pan SETTLES on a chicken, which looks scared, and is surrounded by Barbrady, Stan and Kyle who are all trying to protect it. BARBRADY Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Somebody's going to make love to this chicken any minute... The chicken's eyes grow wide. STAN Maybe we were wrong about the clue. KYLE Yeah, maybe you read it wrong. BARBRADY Oh, no... But just then, a loud rustling is heard. BARBRADY Shh! All is quiet... Barbrady and the boys look around carefully. Behind them, a hand reaches out and grabs the chicken!! CHICKEN BA-GWAKK!! -- But nobody notices. BARBRADY Keep your eyes peeled! STAN LOOK!! Stan turns to the bush, where rustling is going on. KYLE HE'S HERE!! BARBRADY GRAB HIM!! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Cartman races down the street, with lights and sirens blaring. CARTMAN DAMMIT! Can't this thing go any faster?!?! Cartman bites into a donut. EXT. SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO Barbrady emerges from the bushes with the chickenfucker in hand. He is wearing an obvious Richard Nixon mask on his face, and has a small gun in his hand. The suspect spins around and pushes Barbrady away. He fires his gun, but Barbrady dodges it, and the bullet hits Kenny. STAN Oh my God! They've killed -- But again, Kenny gets up. He looks at his hand which has been shot, but appears fine. STAN God dammit! Barbrady finally gets a hold of the suspect and subdues him. BARBRADY I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!! STAN Uhh... I think that's a mask, dude. BARBRADY Oh. Barbrady rips off the mask to reveal -- KYLE Woa dude! It's the bookmobile driver!! BARBRADY Caught you red handed!! BOOKMOBILE DRIVER Indeed you did!! How did you know I would strike here? BARBRADY By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist! BOOKMOBILE DRIVER YOU DID?! REALLY?! THEN IT WORKED!! MY WHOLE PLAN WORKED ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY!!! STAN What are you talking about dude? BOOKMOBILE DRIVER When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow! So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!! KYLE So you fucked a bunch of chickens? BOOKMOBILE DRIVER YES! YES! EXACTLY!!! Don't you see, only by fucking chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate! Everyone thinks, and tries to make this make sense. STAN That doesn't make a whole lot of sense dude. BOOKMOBILE DRIVER Oh no? He who was blind can now see! I got Officer Barbrady to read. My plan worked perfectly!!! Stan and Kyle look at each other, absolutely baffled. BARBRADY Well... I guess I should say thanks? BOOKMOBILE DRIVER You're welcome. And now, my reading friend, you've proven that you are ready for the big time. I give you this hardback copy of 'Atlas Shrugged' by Ayn Rand. The driver hands Barbrady the book. Suddenly -- CARTMAN FREEZE! Put your hands in the air!! KYLE Cartman! They look over. Cartman is there holding up his mighty nightstick. CARTMAN I got reports that the suspect is in this area. KYLE Well, he is... It turns out that the bookmobile driver here was the one making love to chickens. CARTMAN Ah-HA!! Cartman walks over and starts beating the bookmobile driver in the shins relentlessly. BOOKMOBILE DRIVER AAGHAGH!! That hurts!! KYLE Woa, dude! STAN Cartman! Barbrady rushes over and picks Cartman up. BARBRADY No, no! That's not how you uphold the law! CARTMAN But he is not listening to my AUTHORITY!! BARBRADY Oh, oh, you've got it all wrong my little friend. You do it like this -- Barbrady whips around and starts beating the chickenfucker in the head with his stick. BARBRADY You got to get them in the head, they go down quicker. The chickenfucker falls to the ground unconscious. CARTMAN Ohhh... KYLE I guess you should leave police work to the professionals, huh Cartman? BARBRADY Well, anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. I've proved that I can read and now I'm BACK ON THE JOB!! STAN AND KYLE Hooray!! Barbrady starts to walk off. STAN Hey, so what are you going to do now? BARBRADY (Stopping) Now? Barbrady holds up 'Atlas Shrugged' BARBRADY Well, I... I think I'll get in the bathtub, and then curl up with a good book! Triumphant MUSIC plays as Barbrady gives a happy thumbs up. FREEZE FRAME on Barbrady while the music plays for quite a while. Title: Executive Producer "Robert T. Pooner" CUT BACK to the kids, who are all standing there, blinking with confusion. CUT BACK to Barbrady, who is still in a freeze frame, with his thumb in the air, and music playing. CUT BACK to the kids who look to one another, and finally shrug and walk away. ACT IV ANGLE - TELEVISION NEWS ANCHOR And so today, South Park held a parade to honor Officer Barbrady, and his heroic work on the Chickenfucker case. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE A parade is in progress for Barbrady. The crowd cheers him on. BARBRADY Thank you everybody! Thank you! TOWNSPERSON Speech! Speech! The crowd quiets in anticipation of a speech. BARBRADY What? STAN They want you to give a speech Officer Barbrady, about the whole experience over the last couple of days. BARBRADY Oh. Okay... (to the crowd) Well, first of all I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that borne me and eventually will rob me of my life precious. The crowd cheers. BARBRADY Second, I'd like to say to all those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people to read... Your days are numbered!!! The crowd goes wild. BARBRADY And finally, I'd like to say that READING TOTALLY SUCKS ASS!! KIDS Hurray. The crowd looks confused. BARBRADY Yes, at first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this -- Barbrady holds up a copy of ATLAS SHRUGGED, by Ayn Rand. All 1085 pages of it. BARBRADY Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage and because of this piece of SHIT, I'm never reading again! STAN AND KYLE Hurrah for Barbrady!!! The crowd goes wild again!!! KYLE Wow, I guess reading really does suck ass. CARTMAN Hey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys. STAN I'm just glad everything turned out okay and Barbrady got his job back. KYLE It's poetic justice. Barbrady looks down with a smile. BARBRADY Thanks boys. He gives them a thumbs up. FREEZE-FRAME and play survivor music. A big tree falls over on top of Kenny, killing him. THE END