"SOUTH PARK" Episode 207 "City On The Edge Of Forever" Written by Trey Parker, Nancy Pimental EXT. SOUTH PARK ROAD - DAY The school bus drives up a snowy mountain road. INT. SCHOOL BUS Ms. Crabtree drives the bus as the kids all throw stuff and yell and scream in the background. MS. CRABTREE BE QUIET BACK THERE!!! These roads are slick! The kids quiet down a little bit. STAN Hey, Cartman. Cartman leans around from his seat. CARTMAN What? STAN Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us? CARTMAN Hmmm, let me think... No. KYLE Come on, fat ass, you shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway! CARTMAN Mmm... It's chocolatey and delightful. STAN Give us some, Cartman! MS. CRABTREE BE QUIET BACK THERE!!! KYLE Woa, dude, the road is really snowy out there. STAN Dude, the road is always snowy. KYLE I know, but it's REALLY snowy today. CARTMAN Mmmm... I can't possibly finish this WHOLE cake... Yes I can! STAN SHUT UP, CARTMAN! MS. CRABTREE Okay that does, it!! Ms. Crabtree stops the bus. She opens a small box, inside there is a small rabbit and a gun. Crabtree holds the rabbit by the ears and puts the gun to it's head. MS. CRABTREE YOU ALL BE QUIET OR THE CUTE LITTLE BUNNY DIES!!! The kids are all horrified. They quiet down immediately. Satisfied, Crabtree puts the bunny and the gun back in the box and drives on. STAN Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny... But I wonder if she ever would. KYLE Oh she would, dude. She would. The bus comes to a stop again. Crabtree looks ahead to see that the road in front of her is closed. A large sign on a barricade reads 'ROAD CLOSED DUE TO AVALANCHE'. MS. CRABTREE Aaaahh. Oh, for Christ's sake, I don't believe this! Now she sees another sign, DETOUR, with an arrow pointing up a very narrow, very steep, very dangerous road. Crabtree takes the detour, and the bus makes its way up the hill, heading for certain doom. STAN Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now. CARTMAN I can not possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness... Oh wait, wait, wait, try -- Cartman takes a huge bite. KYLE DAMMIT CARTMAN!! YOU ARE SUCH A FAT FUCK!!! MS. CRABTREE WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?! Crabtree looks up in the rearview mirror, and doesn't see the big 180 degree turn in front of her. MS. CRABTREE OH OH! EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY The bus slips off the road, and flips over down the side of the mountain. INT. BUS - The kids all yell and scream. Ms. Crabtree screams, as the bus goes flipping over and over. Cartman tries, with difficulty, to continue eating his cake. EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY The bus continues to do flips. Finally, it lands, right-side up in a fast moving river. INT. BUS - KIDS Aaah!!! KYLE I'M SCARED!! MS. CRABTREE BE QUIET KID! EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY The bus floats helplessly down the river. All the kids have their heads out the windows, screaming. The river is moving faster and faster, the bus goes an amazing distance. Finally, it reaches a waterfall where it plunges. EVERYBODY AAAAHGHGhGH!!!! EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY A group of properly dressed bird watchers happily hike through the forest. BIRD WATCHER And right up here, you can see a red bellied chickadee. They're indigenous to this area. A couple old people snap some photos. They give each other quizzical looks when a very strange sound seems to be coming closer. Just then, the school bus flips through frame. All the kids on board screaming as they go. As quickly as it came, it disappears. OLD LADY What was that? BIRD WATCHER What was what? EXT. RIVER The bus flips into yet another river, where it hurls further into the unknown. Finally, after several shots, the bus washes up onto a piece of dry land, where it teeters dangerously over a huge abyss. INT. SCHOOL BUS Cartman shoves the last piece of cake into his mouth. CARTMAN All done! Cartman turns around, and sees that all the other children are catatonic. They don't blink. Their eyes are huge. Ms. Crabtree wrenches herself out of her seat and looks over the heavily damaged bus. A few kids start crying and getting up. MS. CRABTREE SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!! But the kids are too panicked, they get louder. MS. CRABTREE I SAID QUIET OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY!! The kids all get quiet. STAN Where are we? MS. CRABTREE I have no idea. STAN I don't think we're in a very safe spot. KYLE Yeah, what are we supposed to do?! MS. CRABTREE Just keep your traps shut, I'll consult the manual. Crabtree grabs a HUGE manual. It says 'BUSDRIVERS MANUAL'. She flips through the pages to find 'Stranded'. ANGLE - BOOK IT SAYS 'REFER TO VIDEO #35' Crabtree throws down the book and opens a small cabinet where a lot of videos are. CARTMAN Ms. Crabtree -- MS. CRABTREE SHUT UP, KID! I have to watch a training video!! Crabtree slams the tape into a small VHS and watches a small monitor. ANGLE - MONITOR The cheesy video begins. It is like an airline takeoff video. ** Note - maybe we should really shoot this, live action on video ** NARRATOR Hello, and welcome to tape seven of the busdrivers video guidebook. 'What to do if you become stranded'. Now, we see the narrator, a VERY plastic looking man with a fake smile. NARRATOR By now, you've calmed down the children, and kept order by using the 'Keep Quiet or I'll kill the bunny' technique. Now it's time to get help. Crabtree watches intently. NARRATOR The most important thing to remember is that the children will be safe as long as they stay on the bus. So do NOT, under any circumstances let any children off the bus. The best way to achieve this is to tell them something like, 'a big scary monster will eat you, if you step off the bus'. Crabtree turns to the kids. MS. CRABTREE KIDS! DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS! IF YOU DO, A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU! Stan and Kyle look at each other, a little scared. Ms. Crabtree goes back to her video. NARRATOR That's right, with the children properly subdued, you can leave the bus and go out looking for assistance. And remember your busdriver's code: Sit down and shut up. Crabtree grabs her coat and throws it on. MS. CRABTREE I'm going for help! I'll be back as soon as I can. Remember, DON'T GET OFF THE BUS OR A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU!! With that, Crabtree steps off the bus and disappears. Then, a little kid in a red shirt (think Star Trek) looks out the window. KID IN RED SHIRT Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat HER? KYLE Cause, dumbass, scary monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches. In the very far distance, we hear Crabtree's voice. MS. CRABTREE (O.S.) WHAT DID YOU SAYyyyy?!?! Kyle sticks his head out the window. KYLE I SAID LARRY KING WON'T GRANT ME THREE WISHES. MS. CRABTREE (O.S.) Oh. STAN Man, this is not good. She could have at least left the heat on. EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY Ms. Crabtree climbs down some large rocks towards what she hopes to be a road. MS. CRABTREE Had to happen to me, didn't it? Finally, she gets to a road. EXT./INT. TRUCK - NIGHT A big, burly lecherous TRUCKER drives along the deserted road, singing. TRUCKER (singing) Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many -- Suddenly, he notices Ms. Crabtree hitchhiking. TRUCKER Oooh, it's supper time. Come to papa. He checks himself in the mirror, slicks back his hair and pulls his rig over to Ms. Crabtree. TRUCKER Hello, little lady. Going my way? MS. CRABTREE Shut up and help me in to this thing. The trucker is taken back by her abrasiveness. TRUCKER Oh, uh -- MS. CRABTREE Come on. I haven't got all day. TRUCKER Uh, alright, sure. Of course. He helps her into the cab. The trucker looks down at Crabtree voluptuous thighs. MS. CRABTREE Take me to the nearest town and make it snappy, you freak-ass crackpot. The big, burly trucker now cowers under Ms. Crabtree's assaults. TRUCKER Uh, yes ma'am. Right away, ma'am. So uh... What's a fragile little doe like yourself doing out on a night like this? MS. CRABTREE Look mister, I've got a busload of kids trapped up on that pass. I need a crane, helicopters all that crap. Here, let me have some of your aspirin. TRUCKER Ma'am those are actually rufies. MS. CRABTREE Rufies, aspirin, right now I don't give a rats ass. Crabtree scarfs the rufies down. MS. CRABTREE How far to the nearest town? TRUCKER A ways... EXT. ROAD - DAY The truck drives on into the horizon. EXT. BUS - DAY The bus is still teetering dangerously on the side of the cliff. INT. BUS - CARTMAN You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't come back, and we're all trapped here forever? KYLE We couldn't get trapped here forEVER, Cartman, we'd die after a couple of days. All the kids start crying. STAN Dude! KYLE What? CARTMAN I don't wanna die on this bus with you assholes! You guys suck! STAN Will you just relax? We've been in a lot worse situations than this and come out of it just fine. KYLE Worse than this? STAN Well, sure, don't you remember that time that the aliens kidnapped your little brother Ike? Now THAT was scary... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SOUTH PARK FOREST - NIGHT (From episode 101) KYLE How come the visitors aren't coming for him? STAN I think we need to signal them somehow. Cartman farts a fireball. CARTMAN Owwwww! WENDY Hey, he's like Rudolph!! KYLE Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come! CARTMAN Really, uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight. KYLE Sure you do. STAN Come on Cartman, fart. CARTMAN I don't wanna! STAN He can't hold it in forever. KYLE Fart, damn you! CARTMAN Okay! That does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! Just then, a huge ice cream truck comes out of Cartman's ass. KYLE Woa, look at that? CARTMAN It's completely immature. KYLE Hey, it's happening again. STAN It's a ice cream truck! Now do you believe us, Cartman? CARTMAN You guys can't scare me. STAN Cartman there's an ice cream truck sticking out of your ass. Now a bunch of UFOS land near Cartman. The aliens quickly get off and go to the ice cream truck. KYLE Hey, look! The aliens are getting ice cream! STAN Wow, I guess everything's gonna be okay! Stan turns to Wendy and kisses her full on the mouth, passionately. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL BUS The boys are gathered around listening to the story. STAN Now THAT was what I call a sticky situation. The boys laugh. Kyle seems a little confused. KYLE You can say that again. CARTMAN (Really subtle) Was that how it happened? EXT./INT. TRUCK - NIGHT Ms. Crabtree is still in the truck. She notices a town. MS. CRABTREE Stop! Let me off, you turd. TRUCKER Hey, I wanna help you. I care a lot about that busload of... What was it again? MS. CRABTREE Children. TRUCKER Yeah, right, let me come with you. Ms. Crabtree jumps out of the truck. The Trucker follows her. The back of the truck reads 'Red's Rufies -- They're a knock out!' The town is deserted except for one building with a bright, flashing neon sign that reads "Pauly Shore's Funny Pit Tonight: Carrot Ass". MS. CRABTREE What the hell is this crap? INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT Ms. Crabtree stands in the club. A HACK COMIC is on stage. The audience is bored. HACK COMIC I hate flying. Talk about something I hate, its flying. The HACK COMIC guffaws at his own joke. The audience sits in silence. TRUCKER Say, uh... Are those rufies kicking in yet? MS. CRABTREE Well, I don't think so. TRUCKER Damn. HACK COMIC Do you guys like impressions? AUDIENCE No! HACK COMIC Here's my impression of Robert DeNiro. (bad Robert DeNiro) Hey yous. Yous guys. Shut up yous. MS. CRABTREE You suck! The audience blinks for a beat, then bursts out laughing. HACK COMIC (bad Robert DeNiro) Yous guys shut up. MS. CRABTREE Sit down and shut up. The audience laughs hysterically. Ms. Crabtree isn't trying to be funny, she's just being herself. HACK COMIC (as Barney the dinosaur) Come on, lady. I love you, you love me. MS. CRABTREE I SAID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! The audience falls out of their chairs, laughing. The HACK COMIC pees his pants and runs off stage, crying. A TALENT SCOUT approaches Ms. Crabtree. TALENT SCOUT Baby, you're wonderful. You're a natural. You're the funniest comic I've seen in years. MS. CRABTREE Why don't you just shut the hell up? I've got to get some assistance to my broken down bus. The talent scout laughs, thinking this is all part of her act. TALENT SCOUT Broken down bus! That's great! Great angle. INT. SCHOOL BUS Kyle has his head stuck out the window. STAN Do you see her, dude? KYLE Nope. CARTMAN God dammit, how long is this gonna take? The kid in the red shirt is sweating heavily. KID IN RED SHIRT She's never coming back! Don't you get it?! She's left us here to die like pigs! KYLE Calm down dude, you're upsetting Kenny! Kenny shoots Kyle a quizzical look. KID IN RED SHIRT I can't take it anymore! I have to get out of here! The kid walks to the front of the bus. STAN No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree said! There's a big black scary monster out there! KID IN RED SHIRT Well, I'm not going to sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! The kid opens the bus doors. KID IN RED SHIRT If I make it back, I'll send help. KYLE Don't do it, kid. But the kid steps off the bus. The boys all run to the windows to get a look. EXT. SCHOOL BUS They see the kid look left, then right, then start walking straight ahead. INT. SCHOOL BUS STAN Hmmm... Maybe Ms. Crabtree DID make up the stuff about the big black monster -- The kid stops by some trees, turns around and waves at the he kids on the bus. MONSTER GWAAAASGHGHH!!!! KID IN RED SHIRT AAAGGHGHGHhH!!! EXT. SCHOOL BUS The boys watch on, horrified, as a HUGE, horrible monster scoops up the kid in the red shirt with one enormous claw. KYLE HOLY CRAP, DUDE!! The beast raises the screaming child up to its mouth, and swallows it whole. Then the beast scurries back into the forrest. INT. BUS - The children continue to watch, horrified. Suddenly, there is a loud splitting noise followed by a THUD against the windshield of the bus. ANGLE ON THE SIDE WINDOW: A small skeleton with a red shirt slides down the glass. KIDS AAAGHGAH!!! BEBE Gross! INT. SCHOOL BUS Back on the bus, the children are all silent and wide-eyed. Slowly, and quietly, they make their way back to their seats. Finally, Stan speaks. STAN Well, I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus. END OF ACT ONE ACT II "A New Hope" INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE Ms. Cartman is in the kitchen, wearing her apron and mixing up a bowl of yummy, taking a sheet of cookies out of the oven, and so forth. The phone rings and Ms. Cartman answers it. MS. CARTMAN Hello? STAN'S MOM Oh hello, Ms. Cartman, it's Sharon, Stan's mother. MS. CARTMAN Oh yes, Sharon how are you? STAN'S MOM Ms. Cartman is your son at home? MS. CARTMAN Hold on dear... Let me check. (calling out) Hon, I made Beefy logs! A long pause. MS. CARTMAN I made cookie dings! No answer. MS. CARTMAN No, he's not here. STAN'S MOM Well now I am worried... I've tried all the houses and nobody knows where they are. MS. CARTMAN Oh, dear. They hang up. EXT. DENVER - DAY Establishing of the Denver skyline. WHIP PAN to a large building with 'TALENT AGENCY' written on it. INT. TALENT AGENCY - DENVER - DAY The talent scout is pitching Ms. Crabtree to an older agent. TALENT SCOUT I'm telling you, Marty this woman is a natural, I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich. AGENT What's her angle? TALENT SCOUT I can't even explain it. You have to see it. AGENT Alright, this better be good. The talent scout smiles and runs over to the door, which he opens. TALENT SCOUT Come on in, come on in. In walks Ms. Crabtree with her trucker friend. MS. CRABTREE What the HELL did you bring me to Denver for, you brain depraved fecalpheliac?!?! TALENT SCOUT Mr. Jonas, this is Ms. Crabtree. AGENT Pleasure to meet you. The agent smiles. MS. CRABTREE YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT THAT JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!! TALENT SCOUT What did I tell you? AGENT She's fantastic. (to Crabtree) How would you like to make a million dollars baby? MS. CRABTREE HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?! AGENT Let's get started right away. The trucker walks up and puts a hand on Crabtree's shoulder. TRUCKER You gonna be all right? MS. CRABTREE DON'T TOUCH ME! TRUCKER I'm sorry. Do you need anything? MS. CRABTREE No... I just... TRUCKER What? MS. CRABTREE I can't help but feel like I've forgotten something... EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT The bus still hangs perilously over the cliff. Crickets CHIRP. INT. BUS - NIGHT The kids all shiver and moan as they wait for their busdriver to return. STAN What time is it? Kenny checks his watch. KENNY Mph rmph rm. KYLE On Wednesday or Thursday? STAN Dude, I think it's Saturday now. CARTMAN WHAT?! I'M MISSING THE NEW FANTASY ISLAND!! Kyle is looking out the back window -- It's a long drop to the ground below. KYLE Oh man, I don't think it's very safe to be on this bus. STAN Well we can't go anywhere or else that big scary monster outside will get us. CARTMAN What do you think it is? STAN I don't know, it's a big scary monster. KYLE Hey! Maybe it's that thing Scuzzlebutt! STAN What? KYLE Don't you remember? That time we were up camping with your Uncle Jimbo and Ned... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN DAY The boys are standing there with Jimbo and Ned from episode 3. JIMBO That lava's coming right for us. CARTMAN Heeeelp!!! JIMBO Jiminy POKE! It's the real scuzzlebutt!! CARTMAN WHAT?! Scuzzlebutt's real?! KYLE Oh my God! Look at his leg! LEG Hi kids, I'm T.V.'s Brent Musburger. STAN Dude! He's got Brent Musburger for a leg!! ALL AGHAGAHGAH!!!! JIMBO Quick Ned, Shoot it!! NED Oh no, out of ammo!! STAN Hey look! Scuzzlebutt furiously starts whipping things together. KYLE Dude! He's making ice cream!! Scuzzlebutt hands the boys large ice cream cones. CARTMAN Scuzzlebutt kicks ass! DISSOLVE TO: INT. BUS - KYLE Now that's what I call a STICKY situation! The boys all laugh. STAN Okay, so we can agree that the monster outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, 'cause Scuzzlebutt's nice... CARTMAN HEY! Maybe it's our teacher! Mr. Garrison!! KYLE Don't be stupid, Cartman! Our teacher wouldn't be out lying in the forest waiting to kill us! CARTMAN Oh no? Don't you remember the time he went crazy and tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford? DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SOUTH PARK - STAGE - DAY From episode 2. MAYOR Here she comes. The crowd goes nuts as Kathie Lee is driven in on her Pope Mobile. Garrison is up the book depository, waiting to get a good shot. INT. BOOK DEPOSITORY - MR. GARRISON Come on you little bitch... MAYOR It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. KATHIE LEE GIFFORD to South Park!! KATHIE LEE GIFFORD Thank you. Stan and Wendy burst into the room. STAN Mr. Garrison, STOP! MR. GARRISON Leave us! We must finish what we have begun. WENDY But Mr. Garrison -- MR. GARRISON She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford. She's some kind of Alien. Garrison turns back to the window. EXT. STAGE - CATHY LEE Thank you, how I love you all... BANG!! The bullet hits Cathy Lee right between the eyes. The back of her head blows apart, and her body is sent flying backwards and an Alien comes out of her body. The crowd GASPS!! Mr. Garrison fires off a few rounds, killing the alien. MR. GARRISON See? I told ya. Stan and Wendy shrug. Stan grabs Wendy and kisses her passionately. MAYOR Well, this is going to put a damper on the day... LET'S HAVE ICE CREAM EVERYONE!! The crowd cheers. Cartman is wearing a pink Tank Top, and is totally buff and muscular. CARTMAN BEEFCAKE!! DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL BUS CARTMAN Now that's what I call a STICKY situation! The boys all laugh. STAN But the monster outside couldn't be Mr. Garrison, because Mr. Garrison used a gun... CARTMAN Oh yeah... INT. TELEVISION The opening of 'The Tonight Show' with Jay Leno. NARRATOR Live from Burbank, it's the tonight show with Jay Leno! Tonight, Jay's special guests include washed up actress from a Sit com! And the comedy of Ms. Crabtree! And now, here's your host Jayyyyyy Leno!! Jay comes out on stage, his chin dragging on the floor. INT. BACKSTAGE AT NBC Ms. Crabtree stands in the wings with the talent scout. The trucker stands off to the side. TALENT SCOUT Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna kill out there. MS. CRABTREE Kill who? TALENT SCOUT (laughing) That's great! Use that! The trucker walks up to Ms. Crabtree, just as she lets out a big sigh. TRUCKER Hon, do you need anything? MS. CRABTREE Just gimme another one of them rufies. TRUCKER Sure. The trucker holds 'em out like altoids. Crabtree pops one in her mouth. INT. SCHOOL COUNSELORS OFFICE - NIGHT The boys parents along with some other parents have gathered. COUNSELOR Uh, ok, let's try to calm down, okay? This type of thing happens all the time. STAN'S MOM What do you mean? How often does an entire third grade class go missing? COUNSELOR Well, 99 percent of the time, when a child is missing it's because they've runaway, okay? The crowd gasps and murmurs. STAN'S MOM Runaway? KYLE'S MOM Oy. I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that gafagahaga. STAN'S FATHER How do we get our runaway children back? COUNSELOR Well, we just need to make some posters, okay? Hand out brochures, okay? That way the public can know what the children look like and can call in if they are spotted, okay? STAN'S MOM Let's get started right away!! They could be halfway to L.A. by now! KYLE'S MOM It's only a matter of time before they're selling their bodies and buying smack! EXT. SOUTH PARK The parents are busily nailing and taping up "HAVE YOU SEEN ME?" posters all around town. Kyle's dad nails a sign Kyle's picture on it to a tree. Stan's dad tapes one of Stan to the busstop sign. Cartman's mom hands out brochures in a bikini on main street. A crowd of men surround her. Posters of other kids go up as well. Clyde, Bebe, Pip, etc. INT. SCHOOL BUS The kids all still patiently waiting on the bus. STAN What was that?! KYLE What was what? STAN Dude, I think the scary monster is right outside the bus! KYLE What could it be?! If only we knew what we were up against! KENNY Mph mph mph... mph mprmh mprm rm? KYLE Oh yeah, I remember that. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph, rmphm rm rmpmh... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SOUTH PARK ROAD - DAY Death is chasing the boys down South Park Avenue. (From episode 106) The boys run screaming down South Park avenue. Death pursues them on a tricycle. Grandpa is pursuing Death in his wheelchair. GRANDPA Come back here you pompous son of a panzy! Slowly, Death catches up to the boys, he stretches out his bony hand... STAN AAGH!! KYLE Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!! GRANDPA I'm over here you son of a whore! Death reaches out to touch Kenny, but Kenny grabs on to Death's cloak, pulls him off the tricycle, and beats the shit out of him. Kenny kicks death in the ribs until death is a bloody, pulpy mass. STAN OH MY GOD!! KENNY KILLED DEATH!! KYLE YOU BASTARD???? DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL BUS Back on the bus, the kids are listening to the story. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph a mphy mrmphation! (now that's what I call a sticky situation!) The kids all laugh merrily. STAN Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't be death... Because death only touches you, it doesn't eat you. KENNY Mph... KYLE Well, who really cares what that monster is outside? As long as we stay on the bus it can't hurt us, right? Just then, a huge hole is ripped from the roof of the bus. The kids all SCREAM as a giant, clawlike hand scoops up Kenny and hauls him up through the whole. STAN Oh my God! He's killing Kenny! KENNY YOU BASTARD!! Just like the first time, the monster runs off, leaving the kids alone in the silence. STAN Oh boy, we're are in BIG trouble... CARTMAN Hey you guys, can we order a pizza? INT. NBC STUDIOS - NIGHT Ms. Crabtree is on stage doing her act. MS. CRABTREE What the hell are you all staring at?! The audience laughs merrily. MS. CRABTREE Stop laughing you whores!! They laugh harder. MS. CRABTREE I SAID SHUT UUUUUPPP!!!! The audience goes silent for a few seconds... Then bursts out laughing. Crabtree shakes her head and walks off the stage. JAY LENO Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree! What an up and comer!! Crabtree walks over to the Trucker. TRUCKER That was great, ma'am. MS. CRABTREE Was it? Does it even matter? TRUCKER What do you mean? MS. CRABTREE Success is hollow, Mitch. Hollow like a dead tree. I think it's time for me to give it up. TRUCKER Are you sure? MS. CRABTREE I'm sure... Let's get a cup of coffee. The trucker smiles and walks out with Ms. Crabtree. EXT. PERILOUS CLIFF - DAY Now it's daytime, and the kids are all still sitting on the bus, with a huge hole ripped off the top. CARTMAN I wonder when the monster's gonna come back to feed again! The kids all exchange looks. KYLE We've just got to stick together. STAN (thinking) Yeah, there's got to be a way out of this... KYLE HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!! STAN What? KYLE Remember that time... Fonzie jumped over the busses with his motorcycle? DISSOLVE TO: EXT. AL'S DINER - HAPPY DAYS - DAY Everybody is gathered in the parking lot of Al's. Fonzie is dressed like Evil Kneival on his motorcycle. Fonzie revs the engine. JOANIE GO FONZIE!! FONZIE Ayyyyyy. The boys cheer Fonzie on. CARTMAN YOU CAN DO IT, FONZIE! STAN WE BELIEVE IN YOU FONZ!! FONZIE Ayyyyy. Fonzie gives a THUMBS UP, then puts on his helmet. He revs the engine some more, and then hauls ass towards a large ramp in front of the busses. Fonzie JUMPS! He clears the busses! Everybody cheers! But when Fonzie lands, his bike spins out of control! Fonzie's bike flies into Kenny, crushing him instantly. FONZIE Ayyyyy, Fonzie pulls out an ice cream cone and starts eating it. STAN Oh my God! They killed Kenny! KYLE You bastard!! DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL BUS CARTMAN Now that's what I call a sticky situation! Cartman laughs, but this time by himself. Stan and Kyle are just staring at him. STAN You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the way it happened! KYLE Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight hours ago from that monster! How could he have died back then too? Cartman thinks. CARTMAN Oh yeah... I guess that doesn't make sense... CrANK!!! The boys all look around in a panic as the bus starts to TILT downward!! STAN OH NO!! KIDS AAAGHGH!!! EXT. SCHOOL BUS The bus slides a few feet, and tilts further down into the chasm! INT. SCHOOL BUS KYLE WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?!?! END OF ACT II ACT THREE "A Bridge Too Far" EXT. BUS - NIGHT Again night has fallen. The bus goes CREEEEK as it tilts further down the slope. INT. SCHOOL BUS The kids are running up and down the isles, changing seats. STAN Now we need more weight in the back!!! Some of the kids run to the back. STAN No, that's too much!! Some of the kids run to the front. The bus balances itself. KYLE There, I think we got it... STAN I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude. KYLE Don't worry, everything's going to work out. It always does. CARTMAN It does? KYLE Sure, remember that time that the kid in the red shirt decided to go off on his own... DISSOLVE TO: INT. BUS - (From earlier in this show) KID IN RED SHIRT Well, I'm not going to sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! The kid opens the bus doors. KID IN RED SHIRT If I make it back, I'll send help. KYLE Don't do it, kid. But the kid steps off the bus. The boys all run to the windows to get a look. EXT. SCHOOL BUS They see the kid look left, then right, then start walking straight ahead. INT. SCHOOL BUS STAN Hmmm... Maybe Ms. Crabtree DID make up the stuff about the big black monster -- GWAAAASGHGHH!!!! KID IN RED SHIRT AAAGGHGHGHhH!!! EXT. SCHOOL BUS The boys watch on, horrified, as a HUGE, horrible monster scoops up the kid in the red shirt with one enormous claw. KYLE HOLY CRAP, DUDE!! The beast raises the screaming child up to its mouth, and swallows it whole. Then it pulls out a large scooper and a box. KYLE Hey look! It's got ice cream!! KIDS Hooray!! A huge hole is ripped in the top of the bus, and ice cream cones are dropped all around. The kids all merrily eat the ice cream. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BUS - NIGHT - PRESENT KYLE Now that's what I call a STICKY situation! The boys all laugh. EXT. LILY COVERED POND - DAY Ms. Crabtree and Marcus sit on a fallen tree, holding hands and looking out over the beautiful scenery. MS. CRABTREE Wow... This is gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful. MARCUS From a distance this place looks like a cold, damp marsh, but once you get inside it... You realize that it has an inner beauty far surpassing others. Ms. Crabtree stares at Marcus. MARCUS Thank you for sharing your time with me Ms. Crabtree. MS. CRABTREE Please... Call me muffin. MARCUS I'm having a nice time, muffin. MS. CRABTREE Me too Marcus. I've forgotten all about my cares in the world... INT. BUS CARTMAN Aww, damn man, now I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones! KYLE Hey, Ms. Crabtree had that little T.V. for the training video. Maybe we can watch TV on IT! STAN Hey yeah! Cartman walks up to the small television and turns it on. Static. INT. TELEVISION SET - DAY NEWS GUY All over America, kids are turning to the streets and running away. Tonight, a very special message from the parents of some runaway children. It hopes that their young will hear their cry. INT. DARKLY LIT STAGE - DAY Stan's dad steps up to a microphone. STAN'S DAD Hello, Stanly... It's me, papa. Gosh your mother and I miss ya. And I hope that, wherever you may be... You'll hear this message... Cheesy music begins to play. At the last second before the singing begins, Stan's Dad steps in front of the microphone. STAN'S DAD (singing) Little lamb, lost in this great big world. Runaway, finding the streets so cold. INT. BUS - The kids are all laughing. KYLE Dude! Your dad's a retard! INT. TELEVISION SET - DAY Kyle's dad steps in. KYLE'S DAD Please come home, Kyle... (singing) You left home, looking for something new, but all you need is right here waiting for you -- INT. BUS - Kyle looks embarrassed. STAN Ha, ha! INT. TELEVISION SET - DAY The MUSIC is continuous. The South Park parents, all wearing "Runaway Come Home" T-shirts, are on risers wearing headphones. Microphones hang down to record them. QUINCY JONES stands in front of them, conducting as they sing the chorus: PARENTS Runaway come home, we love you just as you are. Runaway come home, we're sorry things went this far. INT. BUS - The kids now all look embarrassed. STAN Dude, did it ever occur to them to just LOOK for us? CLYDE I hope my dad doesn't sing. INT. BUS - DAY The kids are all waiting around like before. Nobody says anything for a long time. Finally, Cartman speaks. CARTMAN Hey... Do you guys remember the time I found out who my father was? Stan and Kyle look at each other. STAN Boy, do I... DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL - MEPHESTO Now, as I said before, the father is somebody in this room... Everybody looks nervous. MEPHESTO The father is... JOHN ELWAY!! Everybody gasps!! CARTMAN SWEEEET!!! JOHN ELWAY Oh, oh. CARTMAN THIS KICKS ASS YOU GUYS!! JOHN ELWAY IS MY FATHER!!! (singing) My father is John ELLLWAY MY father is John ELLLWAY! Get down, get down JOHN ELWAY Come on, son, I'll buy you some ice cream. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL BUS CARTMAN Now that's what I'll call a.... KYLE (skeptical) Wait a minute... I thought your father was your mother 'cause she had a penis. CARTMAN What? HEY!! YOU SON OF A BITCH!! I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS!! Cartman rushes Kyle. STAN Cartman, NO! As Cartman makes his way down the isle, the weight of the bus shifts and -- CRACK!! KIDS AAAGHGHGGHG!!! STAN THE BUS IS GOING OVER!!! KYLE Oh, no!! The kids all scurry around as the front end of the bus raises itself. EXT. BUS ***MAKE THIS LIKE TITANIC*** It slides off the cliff and spirals towards the ground. We can see the children's horrified faces as they plunge to the depths. KIDS AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! EPILOGUE The bus falls and falls, and finally lands in a HUGE container of ice cream! The kids all sit there stunned for a minute... STAN HEY! WE LANDED IN ICE CREAM!! KIDS HOORAY!!! CARTMAN Wait, wait, wait... this doesn't make sense... This whole thing doesn't make any sense... I must be... SMASH CUT TO: INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - MORNING Cartman jolts awake. CARTMAN AGAHGHAGH!!! Cartman catches his breath and looks around. CARTMAN Oh man, what a weird dream! CARTMAN'S MOM Are you okay, hon? CARTMAN Mom... I just dreamt that me and Stan and Kyle and Kenny were trapped on our bus. And we were talking about everything that happened to us, except that it was all wrong. And everything ended with us eating ice cream. CARTMAN'S MOM Oh... well... would you like some beetles for breakfast? CARTMAN Yes, please. Cartman and his mother start scarfing down crunchy, live beetles. CARTMAN Mme.! MS. CRABTREE Beetles are good with ice cream! Mom takes out some ice cream, just as we -- SMASH CUT TO: INT. STAN'S HOUSE - MORNING Stan jolts awake. STAN AAAGHGHGH!!! Stan looks around. STAN Oh, dude! What a nightmare! Stan picks up the phone near his bed and dials. KYLE Hello? STAN Dude, I just had the weirdest dream. KYLE Really? STAN Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that we were all trapped on a bus and then he dreamt that we talked about things that had happened only they were all wrong, and then he and his mother ate beetles. KYLE Dude... That's a pretty fucked up dream. STAN Yeah... I must be having some real emotional problems. KYLE Hey, me and Cartman and Kenny are going down to Happy Burger. You wanna come? STAN Sure. I definitely don't want to sleep anymore. See ya later. Stan gets out of bed. EXT. FOREST - DAY Crabtree is in the lily covered forest with her lover. MS. CRABTREE I want to thank you for making me feel alive again, Marcus. MARCUS Ms. Crabtree... MS. CRABTREE What is it? What's wrong? MARCUS You realize I can't stay. None of this is real. It's all been a little eight year old's dream. MS. CRABTREE Oh I know... I know, Marcus. But let me just pretend as long as I can. MARCUS Sure. Marcus puts his arm around Ms. Crabtree. The camera PULLS BACK as they are silhouetted against a gorgeous sky. THE END